Dear Prudence,
My in-laws are both truly lovely people but they should have divorced 20 years ago when they became empty nesters and realized they had nothing in common. Instead, they are together and miserable. The overarching issue is that my FIL is what I would call a “benign/functional alcoholic.” He drinks too much in the evening (not all day), tells the same stories over and over, and falls asleep in the recliner nightly. He doesn’t drive drunk and isn’t belligerent or mean. He does fall occasionally and has had a few trips to the emergency room because of that. My MIL is over it, understandably. She says she can’t make new friends in their community for fear of embarrassment but she refuses to do things without him. He could care less about her, new friends, or his drinking. By his own admission, he just wants to eat, drink, and be merry until he sees his grave. Based on longevity in both their families, we are looking at another zero to 20 years.
The actual reason I am writing is because they are supposed to be moving into our in-law suite at the end of the year. This has been the plan for many years when they helped us with the down payment for this specific house for this reason. But right now I don’t want this dynamic between them infecting my household, my marriage, and my kids. My husband is very involved but we are both at a loss. We can’t take one without the other but I can’t have them fighting like this. What kind of ultimatum would work here?
—Stuck Between a Bottle and a Hard Place