Dear Prudence,
My mom was from another country and gave me her last name and a traditional one from her culture. She died when I was 4 and I was handed off to my father and his new wife who did everything they could to scrub the “stain” of my mother off me. I have vivid memories of getting scolded for speaking in my mother’s native tongue as it was bad and wrong. Worst of all, when his wife adopted me, they changed my name completely. And I don’t mean they Americanized it—like Agnieszka to Agnes, but rather like Sakura to Ashley. My father’s wife was only interested in me as a doll to play house with until my sister and brother were born when I was in middle school. Then I was an afterthought when I was thought of at all.
In college, I made an effort to take back what was stolen from me. I relearned my native tongue, learned to cook traditional food, and converted religions. I also legally changed my name back and didn’t tell my family until I graduated. My father and his wife acted hurt, confused, and just shocked. It was a huge slap in their faces according to them. This has left a serious on-again and off-again estrangement. When they use my old name, I hang up and don’t speak to them. I have left visits midway when they disrespect me or disregard my wishes. This has caused a lot of conflict with my paternal side including my grandmother and aunt that I am close to. They think what my father and his wife did was a “mistake” but that I was taking things too far. This has left me bereft of a strong support system which is why this fight with my boyfriend has me freaked out.
I love him. We are talking about marriage. I am willing to take his last name, but I want any kids we have to have traditional names from my culture. And there is a lot of overlap with very popular baby names! Think Anya, Anna, Mari, or Ren. Or we could find the local equivalent to name them after a relative. My boyfriend says I am basically hijacking any of our future children by doing this and I need to stop acting on my culture. He later apologized for the remark but it still has my nerves jangling. He has always been in my corner when my family acts like I am crazy and now he is treating me like I am. Is this a hill to die on?
—Always an Exile