Community› Wedding Discussion Boards› Destination Weddings Discussions
Destination Weddings Discussions
New Discussion

Is my dream destination wedding selfish?

knottie9a46ebb0e95b01cbknottie9a46ebb0e95b01cb member
5 Love Its First Comment
in Destination Weddings Discussions
Looking for some honest advice here:
My s/o and I have this idea to have our wedding in Florida where my s/o's parent lives. We are from the midwest. My family all lives in the same state in the midwest but my s/o's family lives all around the country. Because his parent lives in Florida, we would be able to have the reception in his beautiful backyard and have our ceremony on the beach which would save us a lot of money. We love Florida and I would like a smaller wedding with only very close friends and family. We would then have a reception in the midwest for all family and friends who could not attend. When I told my mother this idea, she said it was incredibly selfish because her family (she has 4 siblings and all of them have 3-5 children) would probably not be able to go because it would cost too much and it would be too hard to travel with small children. Am I selfish for this idea or would I be selfish to go through with the destination wedding? I am very close with my mom's siblings, but I somehow feel it is not my obligation to have a wedding down the street from them because of their situation. I really can picture my wedding on a beach and unfortunately the midwest doesn't have those unless it's a lake. I may be young and incredibly selfish on this and am hoping for some clarity. Thanks for all that reply with advice!
Report Reply to Post

Re: Is my dream destination wedding selfish?

  • missJeanLouisemissJeanLouise member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    knottie9a46ebb0e95b01cb said:
    Looking for some honest advice here:
    My s/o and I have this idea to have our wedding in Florida where my s/o's parent lives. We are from the midwest. My family all lives in the same state in the midwest but my s/o's family lives all around the country. Because his parent lives in Florida, we would be able to have the reception in his beautiful backyard and have our ceremony on the beach which would save us a lot of money. We love Florida and I would like a smaller wedding with only very close friends and family. We would then have a reception in the midwest for all family and friends who could not attend. When I told my mother this idea, she said it was incredibly selfish because her family (she has 4 siblings and all of them have 3-5 children) would probably not be able to go because it would cost too much and it would be too hard to travel with small children. Am I selfish for this idea or would I be selfish to go through with the destination wedding? I am very close with my mom's siblings, but I somehow feel it is not my obligation to have a wedding down the street from them because of their situation. I really can picture my wedding on a beach and unfortunately the midwest doesn't have those unless it's a lake. I may be young and incredibly selfish on this and am hoping for some clarity. Thanks for all that reply with advice!
    It's not selfish to have the wedding you want. Do you plan on inviting your Aunts/Uncle's? My advice is to keep the ceremony Very small; parents, siblings, maybe grandparents. Then later, post pandemic, have a larger reception in the Midwest with Aunts/Uncle's, friends, ect.
    Report Reply
  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I don't think that you are being selfish. However, you say you are very close with your aunts and uncles (I would infer their families too). Do you not want them at  your wedding if having it in Florida means they can't be there? That is something you need to consider. Is it more important to have your dream wedding or is it more important to have certain people there? Only you and you FI can answer those questions.
    Report Reply
  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    You need to own your choices here and I'll say that if you tell others that you're prioritizing a scene over people that is IMO selfish.  

    This is going to come down to the priorities that you set - do you want those people there or do you want a wedding on the beach?   For many, traveling to a destination was a non starter even before the pandemic.  So now you'll need to figure out what makes the greatest sense.  

    I'll say that the post-wedding party for many is fun but it can also come off as a bit of a poor consolation prize if it's set up in a way to convey that it's only because they wouldn't travel.  

    Sit down and look at the big picture and be truly honest.  When you look back at your wedding do you want to imagine the people who were excited or do you want to imagine the beach?  Would you be OK with being on the beach days later for a honeymoon or is the beach a deal breaker? 
    Report Reply
  • flantasticflantastic member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I mean, you are perfectly entitled to have your wedding wherever you (and your FI) prefer to have it. But that may mean that people you love aren't there. That, to me, is the important bit. Don't change your wedding plans just because your mom (or anyone) is guilting you, but consider whether your dream wedding is truly your dream if it's missing these aunts/uncles/cousins.

    If it's really not that important to you to have them there for your wedding, then that is perfectly fine.
    Report Reply
  • knottie9a46ebb0e95b01cbknottie9a46ebb0e95b01cb member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    Thank you for this advice! I appreciate your honesty here. I think it would only end up being 1 of my mom's siblings that would not end up going. You are completely right, I need to sit down and weigh the pros and cons. I may reach out and call everyone to get their opinions. I think another thing for me is that I have if I were to have a wedding back home, I would no longer be able to have the very small wedding I want without creating tons of family/friend drama. I view a wedding as a very personal thing and don't want family there that I haven't seen in 10 years. When discussing with my parents, it is their expectation that they would invite family that they haven't gotten to see in awhile. However, they are not contributing financially so I have a hard time justifying creating a family reunion for them. No matter what I pick I think there will be drama. I appreciate your help.
    Report Reply
  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    That's also tricky when parents want people but they're not paying. 

    I agree that asking for opinions won't work.  Even when my BIL got married years ago people thought, "Oh we are planning to go!"  His wasn't a DW but was for his side of the family.  Most didn't go because ultimately it was financially and logistically an issue to travel the distance. 

    You'll need to decide what's important, if your parents get a say but also ditto that if you're looking to actually rent things in FL that's going to add to your cost  compared to using an all in one venue.  Run the financial estimates and then consider if what you want is a DW because the DW allows for the intimacy that you truly desire.
    Report Reply
  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I get it, my mom repeatedly said “I only see this family at family reunions or funerals” when we talked guest list, but she was paying so we invited everyone. And I do mean everyone. 

    That said, it’s not rude to have & pay for the wedding that you want. Take you Mom out of the equation- if these family members can’t make the trip (but could if you had it locally) would you be okay with that? Only you can answer that. If yes, then make your plans; invite everyone who you want to come and they will decide if they can. It’s your money, spend it on the event you want but keep in mind that often comes with costs to family. 
    Report Reply
  • knottiec918f8f1f75c9629knottiec918f8f1f75c9629 member
    First Comment
    You aren't being selfish! It's your wedding date and it needs to be perfect according to your standards
    Report Reply
  • maine7mobmaine7mob member
    Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    You're not actually having a destination wedding, if that helps. You're just choosing to have it where your partner's family lives vs where your family lives. And people have always had to make this decision. Traditionally, you'd get married in the bride's hometown, but not everyone adhered to this tradition, and now, there is no etiquette rule about this.

    The main questions for you are: 1) Will most of the people you love be able to attend? In the end, it's not about the place, but about the people. 2) Is this good for your budget? You're paying for this yourself, so you have to consider what type of wedding you can afford. 
    Report Reply
  • knottie3f6513d98306a1a6knottie3f6513d98306a1a6 newb
    First Comment

    Your desire to have a destination wedding in Florida and a smaller, intimate ceremony on the beach with close friends and family is a valid and personal choice. It's essential to remember that your wedding is ultimately about you and your partner celebrating your love in a way that feels meaningful to both of you. Here are some considerations to help you navigate this situation:

    1. Discuss Your Vision: Sit down with your partner and have an open and honest conversation about your wedding vision. Ensure that you both share a clear understanding of what you want for your special day.

    2. Consider Your Guests: While it's your wedding, it's also important to consider the comfort and convenience of your guests, especially those you care deeply about. Take into account their financial constraints, travel difficulties, and other factors that may affect their ability to attend.

    3. Budget Constraints: Destination weddings can be cost-effective for the couple, but they can also place a financial burden on guests. Be mindful of your guests' financial situations and the potential expenses associated with travel and accommodation.

    4. Communication: Communicate your plans and vision to your family and close friends early in the process. Let them know that you understand the potential challenges and that you value their presence, but that you also have a strong desire for a beach wedding in Florida.

    5. Offer Alternatives: Consider providing alternative ways for those who can't attend the destination wedding to celebrate with you. Hosting a reception or gathering in the midwest is a thoughtful way to include those who can't make the trip.

    6. Compromise: Explore compromises that may address your vision and your family's concerns. For example, you could consider a smaller destination wedding but have a live-streaming option for those who can't attend in person.

    7. Respect Differences: Remember that people have varying opinions about weddings, and it's okay for your family to have concerns. What's most important is that you and your partner make a decision that aligns with your values and priorities.

    8. Seek Support: If you find it challenging to navigate this situation on your own, consider seeking advice from a professional wedding planner or a neutral third party who can provide guidance and mediate discussions with family members.

    Ultimately, there is no one-size-fits-all answer, and the right choice will depend on your values, priorities, and the relationships you want to preserve. It's essential to approach this situation with empathy, understanding, and clear communication with your partner and loved ones. Your wedding should reflect your love and commitment, but it's also an opportunity to bring people together to celebrate with you. Finding a balance between your vision and your guests' needs is key.


    Report Reply
  • knottie196bcd321307f967knottie196bcd321307f967 member
    First Comment
    It seems I will never be speaking to the bride again! I am just really confused by all of this and could appreciate some help. It was kind of a consolation to find out on this site that most people end up losing friends and making enemies by having a wedding, whether or not it is destination, but especially if it is.

    I just got back from my first destination wedding as such (which I define as i have to fly to, not just get a hotel, which is pretty standard these days). And it seems I will never be speaking to the bride again. Whoa, I'm several thousands of dollars down by trying to appease her "dream wedding" but evidently I did something (or many things) "wrong" and she did not speak to me before, during or after this multi-thousand-dollar event of hers. I have no idea what to do? If I try to talk to anybody else about it, it could filter back to her...so should i just chalk it up to no longer being a member of my family, or is there someplace on this blasted board where HUMAN needs and foibles come before GREED???!!!!
    Report Reply
  • knottie196bcd321307f967knottie196bcd321307f967 member
    First Comment
    This is me again; the bride is a niece of mine; she was already married but wasn't able to have it be fancy enough the first time around (thus I and others were not invited). She invited her other cousins but not my kids who are also first cousins. One of the things i did wrong probably was to assume that was an oversight and to bring my kids. They were PERFECTLY dressed and behaved (21 and 18). The other thing i guess we did wrong was sit on the groom's side during the ceremony. Just figured that out by being on this board. Anyway, she literally acted as if I wasn't there even the several times I was standing next to her. I DID get her a gift although this board says gifts are not necessary for destination weddings, but surely this isn't being held against me? The destination was the most expensive resort in Hawaii.
    Report Reply
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards