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End this.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

I am engaged to a single mom. The kids are 12 and 8. We have been together for four years and lived together for one. Her ex left when the youngest was 2. He was barely in their lives, and never paid child support, but bam, he found the Lord so all is forgiven! My fiancée just folds herself into pretzels to play pretend to the kids that their dad is really changed and wants to play the part. He shows up, when it suits him, drops a bunch of gifts, and makes a bunch of promises he will not keep. When he doesn’t show up, she lies to the kids that their dad had to work or he called to say he would be here another day. The kids are confused and crestfallen.

My fiancée and I fought when we had plans for spring break but her ex promised to take the kids white water rafting. The oldest got confused when I talked about buying plane tickets for our trip when they were supposed to go with their dad. I didn’t think, just laughed and said it wasn’t going to happen. It was a stupid mistake and I apologized. But my fiancée took it to another level. I am never to talk to “her” kids about their father. I don’t get to have an opinion on how she parents “her” kids, and how and when they see their “real” father. Six months ago, they were “our” kids. A year ago, they were “our” kids when I had to pick up extra shifts to pay for braces, I did all the school runs, and took care of the house after my fiancée had a serious surgery. Her youngest still calls me daddy, but right now it feels like those days are numbered. We have already been fighting over the custody order being a mess and she doesn’t want to go to court over child support. I know her kids would always come first but right now I don’t feel I even make the list. Is there any hope or do I just have rose-colored glasses on?

—Step Up or Step Down

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Re: End this.

  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I don't have a lot of sympathy for the LW.  The kids are young and I don't know that I agree with blunt honesty at their age. As the 12 yo gets older maybe it's time to let on with Dad's empty promises but in my experience the more you bad mouth the parent to the kids the more the kids will run towards that parent. 

    The balancing needs to be a discussion between the LW and the FI and they need to figure out the best way together to navigate this.  It's not a good situation, but if they have a relationship with their father I don't think the best way to go about being the step dad is to be the one who says that dad's FOS. 
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I understand the FI's desire to shield the kids from the worst of their father.  He sounds awful.  

    But I also empathize with LW not wanting this charade AND either making this dude piss or get off the pot when it comes to his kids.   

    I'm not sure why LW was deluded into thinking they were going to get to do this spring break trip without the kids.  That was a huge misstep, IMO.  

    Does it suck that their dad is a flaky MFer and you and your FI are years away from actually being able to take trip alone if there are no other adults that can take these kids off your hands besides their dad?  Sure.  But you've know for four years that this was the score.  This what happens when you get with someone with kids...it all can be unpredictable, especially when a quasi-deadbeat parent is in the picture.  

    You guys either need to end this or get into therapy.  It sounds like you're losing respect (or never had it?) for your FI.  It's not fair to her or the kids.  This isn't easy for anyone and you are not the victim, LW. 
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  • CasadenaCasadena member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    @mrsconn23 I read that as the whole family had plans for spring break and FI wavered when Dad promised white water rafting for the kids instead. That would make me upset for sure, although LW did not handle it well. You can't speak without thinking like that when you're dealing with kids. 

    Overall, i understand why LW is frustrated, and also understand why FI is optimistic about her ex for the kids. They need to discuss obviously, but if they can't get on the same page it should end. 
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  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Casadena said:
    @mrsconn23 I read that as the whole family had plans for spring break and FI wavered when Dad promised white water rafting for the kids instead. That would make me upset for sure, although LW did not handle it well. You can't speak without thinking like that when you're dealing with kids. 

    Overall, i understand why LW is frustrated, and also understand why FI is optimistic about her ex for the kids. They need to discuss obviously, but if they can't get on the same page it should end. 
    That's what I thought too Casadena!

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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I got the impression that the LW was basically buying the tickets knowing that the dad was going to punk out.

    It sounds like an awful situation out there to be in a place where you KNOW that the dad isn't going to pull through.  But there's a huge difference between saying that to yourself and saying it to the kids.

    That said, I think the LW and the FI need to have an agreement on THEIR end as it comes to their plans and the dad because they know he's not accountable.   But you don't say that in earshot of the kids at this age because that's only going to hurt them. 
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    ILoveBeachMusic said:
    Casadena said:
    @mrsconn23 I read that as the whole family had plans for spring break and FI wavered when Dad promised white water rafting for the kids instead. That would make me upset for sure, although LW did not handle it well. You can't speak without thinking like that when you're dealing with kids. 

    Overall, i understand why LW is frustrated, and also understand why FI is optimistic about her ex for the kids. They need to discuss obviously, but if they can't get on the same page it should end. 
    That's what I thought too Casadena!

    Same. And sure, you don't say that to a kid, but LW seems to have acknowledged that it was a mistake an apologized right away. I don't think it's fair to construe LW as constantly bad-mouthing the bio father over this one incident. 

    To me, the bigger issue is that the FI is not being realistic or willing to discuss it with LW. It sounds like she was fine with LW being daddy and playing a parental role before, but now that bio-dad is back, she wants LW to back off from being a dad. That's not fair to LW and it isn't fair to the kids. 
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