Dear Prudence,
I’m the older of two kids. We’re both in our thirties now, but, while I have been fairly successful, my younger sibling has had a lot of difficulty thriving in adult life. They have never had a job, still live with our parents, and have a number of self-diagnosed mental health challenges. They claim that therapy and medication would not be helpful for them (they haven’t tried it since they were very young).
A couple of years ago, my mother told me that she had accepted that my sibling will never be independent and will need a caregiver after she and our dad are gone. To her way of thinking, their sister (i.e. me) is the only and obvious choice for this role. I am not okay with this. Because my sibling won’t go to therapy, they cannot get disability and they are unwilling to consider working. My husband and I are not wealthy, and the idea of supporting an adult dependent with no income is overwhelming. There will be little to no inheritance.
Honestly though, my biggest issue is that I just do not want to live with them. We are less than two years apart and growing up I was expected to be attached to their hip. I was their support in every aspect of life from school to socializing to cleaning. I love them, but I was never able to be my own person. Moving away was the best thing I ever did for myself and I don’t think I will ever be capable of taking on that caretaker role for them again without an enormous amount of resentment.
My parents say they understand my reasoning, but both they and my sibling have refused to take any steps towards an alternative future arrangement. While our parents hopefully have a number of healthy years left, I feel like I am being set up to have to make a choice between grudgingly taking them in after our parents are gone or leaving them to fend for themselves, which feels heartless. Do you have any recommendations for someone in my position? I have suggested family counseling and/or a financial advisor, but it has fallen on deaf ears.
—Not a Caregiver