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You should butt out unless they complain to you.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
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in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

Two years ago, my brother and sister-in-law had twins. Once their parental leave ran out, they asked my semi-retired dad to watch the kids twice a week. He agreed to do it for one year, then for a second. As the kids got older, it got tiring for him, so my mom took time off to help out twice a month.

They used to have school breaks off, but my brother recently moved to a full-year job. My mom is retiring next month, and they have promised to watch the twins one day a week going forward.

Whenever I bring up my parents taking trips or things they’ve talked about doing in their retirement, they act unsure, saying they still have to watch the kids. They love their grandkids, and it’s great they get to spend so much time with them, but I want them to enjoy their retirement! They deserve a chance to do things they’ve mentioned like driving cross country and going to Europe. My worry is that they will keep getting asked to watch the kids and won’t say no because they love them and want to help my brother. If they wait until the kids are in school full-time to travel, they’ll be in their mid-70s. I know childcare is hard to find and expensive, but they’ve already raised their kids, and I think with notice my brother could figure out a day or two so they could go on a vacation. I also feel a bit strange weighing in here because my husband and I don’t have children. How can I convince them to enjoy this time they’ve earned? Should I even try to?

—Grandparents Deserve Time Off, Too

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Re: You should butt out unless they complain to you.

  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    This is not your business, OP.  If your parents bring it up, talk to them, but don't get in between them, your brother, and your niblings.
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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
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    This isn’t your business. You don’t know what your parents have worked out with your brother regarding childcare or time off. Unless your parents ask for your help, stay out of it. It also reads like you don’t think they can make decisions for themselves- if they want to say no to babysitting they will, they don’t need you to do it for them (and honestly it’s pretty condescending you think you know more about what they should be doing or not doing). 
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  • banana468banana468 member
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    Stay out of this.  If my brother called my parents about something that they were doing for my kids I would tell him that he's so out of line that the line is a dot to him.  Treat your parents like the adults that they are.
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  • downtondivadowntondiva member
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    Stay out of it unless your parents ask for advice. They are adults and capable of letting your brother and SIL know if it's getting to be too much or they want to take a break to do some traveling. 
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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
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    banana468 said:
    Stay out of this.  If my brother called my parents about something that they were doing for my kids I would tell him that he's so out of line that the line is a dot to him.  Treat your parents like the adults that they are.
    My sister did actually say something to us once about how much more my mom watched M than she watched my niece when she was that age. I had to point out that 1) M was born in a global pandemic before vaccines when many daycares weren’t taking new children 2) we paid her via renting her an apartment (because she won’t take actual money) and 3) my sister wouldn’t let my mom (or many other people) babysit my niece. That was the last time she ever brought it up. 
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    I wonder what the brother/SIL do the other 4 days/week for childcare.

    I think the grandparents are nuts to give up their retirement plans and trips just to babysit once a week.  But that is their choice.
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  • ei34ei34 member
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    My PITA brother does this sometimes to my sisters and me.  Our parents have never done full time childcare, with the exception of our mom helping youngest sis when our family’s baby M (I think you guys had similar due dates @charlotte989875) was an infant also during the pandemic. 
    Other than that, there weren’t even set in stone days a week or anything, but they do help out on random days (like, schools here - students are off on Election Day but teachers have work, so my take the kids that day, things like that). And my brother gets all up in arms that they already raised four kids and shouldn’t be overextending themselves. Like…butt the F out. 
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  • banana468banana468 member
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    And @ei34 you can tell him that you have your own kids to take care of so HE can help your parents with X, Y and Z. 
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