Dear Prudence,
I can see both sides of this, but I think honoring one is more respectful, and I don’t know how to not hurt anyone’s feelings. My late wife tragically passed from COVID-related complications near the beginning of the pandemic in 2020. We have four kids, and her family continues to treat us like family, though we live across the country so we mostly keep up in emails and video calls. I stayed on good terms with them and feel that we’re still an extended family. Eighteen months ago I started dating my current partner, who I love very much, and my extended family has known of her since we became serious. My late wife’s mother passed away in December, and her family planned a burial for this summer. They invited me and the kids, but my wife’s sister reached out in a private email asking that my partner not attend with us. Although other extended family are bringing their partners, none are married into the family and not attending with the partner in the family, and she said that her family only wanted family at the burial.
This makes sense to me, but my partner is incredibly offended, both that she isn’t invited, and that I didn’t fight for her to be invited. She says that if I love her she should be my partner at family events. In other circumstances, I totally agree, but although my late wife’s family is still family, this is an invite-only burial, and the family organizing it explicitly asked her not to attend. People who are not family and didn’t know the deceased are not invited. I understand why my partner would want to attend a funeral with myself and the kids, but this seems like a family event that is for the people mourning this woman we love. My partner has never met my late wife’s mother. I would want my partner at a funeral in every other circumstance, but arguing to invite someone who I love but is a stranger to the family seems disrespectful for a family burial. But I do love my partner and consider her MY family. Is this disrespectful to my partner, or would it be disrespectful to my late wife’s family to insist that she attend? I don’t want to hurt anyone, my partner or my in-laws, when a death in the family is already so emotionally difficult.
—Two Families and a Funeral