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A true rock and a hard place, but do not let her move in.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
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in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

I basically raised my brothers and myself. Our mother was 15 when she had me and twenty when she had my brothers. She basically dumped us on our great grandma and skipped off into the sunset. The only times we saw her was when she was in between boyfriends and wanted to play mommy. By the time I was 12, I was thoroughly disillusioned with her lies and broken promises. My brothers weren’t. It was like watching them repeatedly get punched in the gut every time our mom would stop by with a bunch of gifts and lie about how we were getting to go live in a big house with a pool and be a real family. We lived off food stamps and free school lunches. I started collecting cans and hustling for part time jobs when I was 13 so I could save up and get my brothers a real birthday gift.

I dropped out of college when our great grandma died so my brothers could finish high school here. I work two jobs and pay all the bills. My brothers graduate next year. Our mother popped back into our lives and announced she was pregnant and living in a homeless shelter. My brothers immediately wanted to invite our mother to come live with us. I said “over my dead body,” and we have been fighting about it ever since. My brothers say I am a monster for feeling this way and our grandma would be ashamed of me. We keep going around and around in circles. I am sick of it and having all my efforts thrown back in my face for a woman who couldn’t even remember to call us on Christmas. My brothers turn 18 this summer. A friend has offered to help me get a job in another state and some part of me just wants to pack my bags and go. What should I do?

—Leave or Stay

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Re: A true rock and a hard place, but do not let her move in.

  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    There's no way that's going to end well.  Your brother's are 18 and continue to see the world through rose colored glasses but it's your financial and emotional burden they're asking you to take on.  It's not fair to you that you're your brother's mother but this is tough parenting love that you're giving and making the right choice. There's a chance that your brothers may grow up and come to see the error of their ways.  If you give in you could be setting yourself up for financial and emotional ruin. 
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
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    Your brothers are 18, they are old enough to fend for themselves now. Take the job and take control of your own life. They will eventually come to see your mother for who she is, but it may take a while longer. You don't have to stick around and babysit them while they do. 
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  • levioosalevioosa member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Something tells me if you told brothers, “okay, but we’re switching the lease to your name at 18 and you get to support her groceries and needs and get an extra job if needed” they would be much less in to the plan. In the end, they’re still basically children too. Mom does have options. A lot of those options might just dump her the second they give birth because they’re really just pro-birth options, not pro-life options, but there are private to public services mom can use and LW doesn’t have to be involved in it. 


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  • banana468banana468 member
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    levioosa said:
    Something tells me if you told brothers, “okay, but we’re switching the lease to your name at 18 and you get to support her groceries and needs and get an extra job if needed” they would be much less in to the plan. In the end, they’re still basically children too. Mom does have options. A lot of those options might just dump her the second they give birth because they’re really just pro-birth options, not pro-life options, but there are private to public services mom can use and LW doesn’t have to be involved in it. 
    Yup.  And at 18 they could likely survive on their own but they don't have the mental wherewithal and understanding of what it means to be responsible for a grown up and a newborn.  
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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
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    You know you’re going to end up caring for that child too. So say no. Your brothers are entitled to their feelings but that doesn’t obligate you to put yourself emotionally and financially at risk. 

    If they’re 18 the LW is what 23? And has never been an adult without the responsibilities of their brother. If the job and the move are truly what you want you should take it. Don’t take it just to get out of this situation but don’t not take it because you feel obligated to continuing to support them all. 
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  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    LW needs the CTJ with the brothers on SO many levels!  #1 is that they're going to be turning 18 and need to contribute to the costs of keeping/maintaining the house/their lifestyle/food and/or the house needs to be sold after they graduate with a grace period (i.e if the kids go off to school keep the house until September when school starts) before they head on to all three of their next opportunities!  Also, the LW/step-siblings wouldn't be forced to take the baby the moment the Mom abandons it as there is CPS who would step in in modern times..  Depending on whose name the house is in however could complicate things in terms of keeping the Mom away because they are still technically minors...  
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