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He did you dirty by keeping this info from you.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence, 

I recently learned that my partner and a member of our friend group had started to flirt with the idea of dating just before I came into my partner’s life. My partner and I have now been dating for three years, and during that time, I’ve become fairly close with much of my partner’s friend group— we regularly travel, hike, and have parties and game nights with them. It’s a fairly large group of around 20 people, mostly colleagues-turned-friends from my partner’s previous job. While I feel really close with parts of this group, I’ve always felt that this friend had held me at arm’s length. I’ve had a few confusing and harmful interactions with this person, and I often would ask my partner after a group trip or party if I had done something wrong or if he thought that I came off as stupid or obnoxious to his friends.

After having a confusing and seemingly mean-spirited exchange with this friend last month, my partner finally revealed that he and she had gotten close to dating just before he met me. They had hung out one-on-one a few times, and he thought that they were on track to begin dating, but then we met and he essentially cut off the one-on-one hangouts. I understand that this could have been confusing and upsetting for her, especially as she hasn’t seriously dated anyone since. I don’t understand why my partner waited so long to tell me the truth, even after I had expressed my insecurity about this friend to him so many times. I hate feeling disliked, and being around this friend has been a little torturous over the years—there were few overt signs that she didn’t like me, but enough weird interactions had piled up and it made me really anxious. I had no idea that I had hurt her when I came into this group and wished this had all been aired out a long time ago. Still, I understand that my partner didn’t want to air out his awkward dating history at the start of our relationship. Am I wrong to feel upset with him? And how do I contend with this the next time we travel with this friend group?

—Three Years of Confusion

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Re: He did you dirty by keeping this info from you.

  • levioosalevioosa member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    You didn’t hurt her, he hurt her, and you, by not being upfront with either of you. 


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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    First of all, yes, you should be upset with him.  You should tell him in explicit detail why this was so hurtful. 

    Secondly, I would be tempted to pull her aside and let her know you recently became aware that they were 'talking' prior to you entering the picture and see if you can have a reset.   But she's been horrible to you, so maybe not. It may not be worth it.  

    Now this is all if you decide to stay with this guy.  This is ridiculous that he's let this go on for 3 years and seemingly pretended to not know why.  ALSO, was he even defending LW against her vitriol? 

    Also, how did this go on for three years without anyone in this group of 20 friends cluing LW into the situation?  IDK, there's something about all of this that's weird and I'd feel ill at ease if I were LW. 
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