You and your wife need to get on the same page ASAP.

mrsconn23 · July 2024

Dear Prudence,

What’s my responsibility to take care of my mother-in-law? My wife moved her 80-year-old mom into our house. She was soon after diagnosed with cancer and Alzheimer’s. She’s also nearly deaf. Now I’m a full-time caretaker for someone else’s parent. I never signed on for this. Both she and my wife refuse to consider moving her mom into another living situation. I tried making it work for 18 months, taking her to most of her medical appointments because my job has more flexibility than my wife’s job. We’re managing her finances and also multiple repairs to her home that she refuses to sell. After all this, she still gets upset that we don’t give her enough daily attention and involvement in our lives. I have my own parents, my own job, and we’re raising two kids. This is too much for me.

—Feeling Stuck

CharmedPam · July 2024

yup. It’s time to talk to your wife about this. I know friends going into this and it’s tough. Get her to a home! Not everyone can afford a home! Well, I don’t want her here! What are you supposed to do then?

banana468 · July 2024

What?!?

No. Get on the same page now.

This is not sustainable and you need to consider both talking to her but also doing things like talking to an elder care attorney and thinking of a plan of care. It's not fair that this becomes your issue so start to put up your own boundaries.

mrsconn23 · July 2024

Agreed with the above. But I have a lot questions about how all of this was communicated from the jump. Did LW agree to this and then realize how daunting it was and wants to renege? OR did wife just plow ahead despite LW's objections?

Either way, this letter is just dripping with irritation for MIL and LW's wife. But I need to know how much a player LW was in the initial decision-making.

This is also why DH and I have a 'never moving parents in' pact. We just know it will be a untenable situation.

VarunaTT · July 2024

Hm. I'll be honest, if I had to take this route with my mother and my partner didn't like it, I'd tell them goodbye.

BUT it more sounds like he didn't mind this until mother started whining basically. So, I think wife/daughter needs to talk to mom and set some boundaries, as well as carving out specific times to be with wife's family and partner, both together and separately. This seems a personality trait thing, and surely this isn't the first time they've dealt with it, but now it's in their house and has more access to disrupt.

There are resources out there to pull on. Maybe finding a transportation service for mom like OATS, getting her meals on wheels for her food, finding her a senior center that she can go to for interaction with her own age group, etc.

mrsconn23 · July 2024

VarunaTT said:

There are resources out there to pull on. Maybe finding a transportation service for mom like OATS, getting her meals on wheels for her food, finding her a senior center that she can go to for interaction with her own age group, etc.

Also, I'd make it an ultimatum to sell the friggin' house and use the money to pay to take care of her in your home and/or future assisted living. OR fix up the house and figure out the right insurance to pay for in-home care and/or other services.

This running in place with a whinging woman who has no respect for the fact that you have a marriage, kids, work, other family relationships, a house to maintain, your own damn self to take care of is maddening. Force someone's hand here and it really starts with your wife.

VarunaTT · July 2024

Man, I missed the part about mom's house. Sell the damn house and get her into a residence. That's absolutely ridiculous and I'd be upset about that too.

banana468 · July 2024

Yup. Some of this can be a situation of you hate it but you take care of family. But there's a point where you need to also make decisions that make financial sense even if that can come with emotions. If no one lives in the house you need to sell it. And they need to figure out a plan of care that is not burdensome on the LW as caretaker.

DH would not move his parents in. And I likely would not play that hand without a lot of provisions like potentially financing a move to a different home in town that is bigger. But the reality is that as parents age there's a big issue that they need more time and care than the working younger generation can do especially when they have kids of their own - and it's not fair that their kids are likely suffering as a result. The wife in this situation sucks.

short+sassy · July 2024

I wonder if the MIL is cognizant enough to make a decision about selling her house. I understand people can become very attached to their house. But there comes a point where it is ridiculous to keep it. It's definitely in the ridiculous zone for the MIL.

They're throwing away thousands of dollars a year in property taxes and insurance for a house that no one is living in.

Houses that stay vacant for too long can have all kinds of horror stories happen to them. Eventually all the plumbing will have to be replaced because the gaskets dry out if no water moves through them. The pipes burst because no one is thinking to keep the heat on in the winter. Squatters move in or people vandalize it. Someone steals all the copper wiring...not unusual and is a 5-figure repair. A water leak happens and floods the house, but nobody knows about it.

banana468 · July 2024

short+sassy said:

I wonder if the MIL is cognizant enough to make a decision about selling her house. I understand people can become very attached to their house. But there comes a point where it is ridiculous to keep it. It's definitely in the ridiculous zone for the MIL.

They're throwing away thousands of dollars a year in property taxes and insurance for a house that no one is living in.

Houses that stay vacant for too long can have all kinds of horror stories happen to them. Eventually all the plumbing will have to be replaced because the gaskets dry out if no water moves through them. The pipes burst because no one is thinking to keep the heat on in the winter. Squatters move in or people vandalize it. Someone steals all the copper wiring...not unusual and is a 5-figure repair. A water leak happens and floods the house, but nobody knows about it.

And at some point if the mother needs care the house is going to be an asset that will be taken by the federal government especially if it's not lived in. If they sell it now then they have an opportunity to invest her money and or gift it with the provision that others do not spend should it be needed within the federal look back period. Because if this is a person who needs this many doctor appointments and care, she could be like the family members DH and I have seen who become unable to live on their own and need assistance in the form of an assistance living home, nursing home, or home nursing aid and all of those are not cheap at all. And the more care a person needs the more time consuming it is on the rest of the family.

I would be outraged if the answer was that Chiquita or Chiquito didn't have DH or I as camping chaperones, couldn't attend school events and couldn't be with the kids for their concerts or games because we were stretched so thin caring for a person who held onto her home when it could have afforded another human being to help her.

MesmrEwe · July 2024

LW needs to have a CTJ with LWW and MIL - There hits a point that the lines in the sand need to be drawn and LW should be getting compensated for the care being given! Sure, LW's employer may be flexible, but that only goes so far. The house also needs to be sold as-is because whomever is going to move in to it will do their own updates and edits, in today's market, unless it's something like a mitigation situation, there won't be an ROI and especially if it'd qualify as a starter home for a young couple, let them do the rest of the personalization. There also needs to be estate planning and POA/Executor conditions done ASAP if not already done. LW cannot be expected to be free help! (Have watched this play out FAR too many times - NO ONE appreciates what they're putting themselves through!!!!) More than that, care centers may not be ideal, but it is better to have time to find one that is a good fit for their family (and budget!) and move the person in on their terms than take what's left when the final spiral takes place.

MyNameIsNot · July 2024

short+sassy said:

I wonder if the MIL is cognizant enough to make a decision about selling her house. I understand people can become very attached to their house. But there comes a point where it is ridiculous to keep it. It's definitely in the ridiculous zone for the MIL.

They're throwing away thousands of dollars a year in property taxes and insurance for a house that no one is living in.

Houses that stay vacant for too long can have all kinds of horror stories happen to them. Eventually all the plumbing will have to be replaced because the gaskets dry out if no water moves through them. The pipes burst because no one is thinking to keep the heat on in the winter. Squatters move in or people vandalize it. Someone steals all the copper wiring...not unusual and is a 5-figure repair. A water leak happens and floods the house, but nobody knows about it.

This is a really good point on the house. Probably an extreme example, but this is what's going on with my sister's MIL. Granted, her MIL has some big mental illness issues, so there's more than just emotional attachment going on with her. She moved in with family about 5 years ago and refused to sell the house. It's a fairly nice house in a nice area and would have been worth a good amount of money as is.

For the first couple of years my sister would go check on it and would report that the landscaping was overgrown and house was musty, but everything is still standing. Last year a big limb fell on the roof in a storm and the MIL refused to do anything about it. Now there has been water leaking into the house for over a year. Even still, they've gotten a few inquiries from investors wanting to tear down and develop, but she still refuses to do anything. More likely than not, the county will eventually condemn it. Such a waste.

VarunaTT · July 2024

Also, empty houses have their own insurance type and it is EXPENSIVE, because of the nightmare scenarios that empty houses go through. One of my friend's brothers moved into their moms house, just b/c the insurance was so expensive and the house wouldn't sell (it's located in very small town, someone has to be specifically looking for it).

banana468 · July 2024

VarunaTT said:

Also, empty houses have their own insurance type and it is EXPENSIVE, because of the nightmare scenarios that empty houses go through. One of my friend's brothers moved into their moms house, just b/c the insurance was so expensive and the house wouldn't sell (it's located in very small town, someone has to be specifically looking for it).

And if the insurance wasn't notified that she moved out good luck with a claim for damage.

You and your wife need to get on the same page ASAP.

Re: You and your wife need to get on the same page ASAP.

Choose Another Board

Search Boards