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Break-up with him so you both can find someone more suitable.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

I want to get married someday, but I don’t know if I should marry my current boyfriend. Health is really important to me, and his current lifestyle is not healthy (by my standards). I want a husband who can stay active with me well into old age, and who will set a good example for our kids. (As a person with a chronic illness I know health is not fully in our control, but that makes it even more important to me to manage things that ARE in my control.) My boyfriend has said multiple times without my asking that he wants to start exercising and cooking from home instead of eating fast food every day. But he’s said this for years and there has been no significant change. People say it’s wrong to want someone in a relationship to change, but what if that person has independently expressed a desire to make that very change? Should I tell him directly that his current lifestyle would be a dealbreaker for me long-term, or does that sound too much like an ultimatum? Should I hold out hope or just call it quits?

—Conflicted Kale Eater

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Re: Break-up with him so you both can find someone more suitable.

  • CharmedPamCharmedPam member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I just don’t think he’s going to change.  Because he wants to and isn’t even doing it.  Also, what if he does start making changes that fit your lifestyle but then those stop down the road.  Are you OK with things staying the way they are or changing and then going back to normal?
    when I first was diagnosed as diabetic I did a low carb life style that was easy for me. I dropped weight, my #’s went down and I thought I could keep the lifestyle up.  Well, guess what? I can’t live low carb.  I can live lower carb, but Imma gonna eat carbs.  So while I thought I could make it a lifestyle, it didn’t last long. 

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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    You can just say that you don't really like him anymore and move on. You don't have to jump through hoops to try to justify it. 
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited July 2024
    I always have questions in these situations about what LW did to really make it easier on their partner to change.  Did you offer to meal plan, grocery shop, cook with him?  You could have made it fun and signed up for a cooking class.  

    Furthermore, cooking is one of those things for some people that feels very daunting.  I LOVE cooking and do so almost every day of the week (it's my decompression time), but I even have my days where it just feels impossible to make dinner. 

    DH has me running with him because he came up with an easy plan for us to do it together and even though I'm slow as shit, he never makes me feel like I'm a drag on his workout.  I also let him run ahead of me instead of dragging his pace down and he always runs back to me (we're doing running intervals, so when we get to walking part, he comes back to where I'm at).  

    Partnership is filling in the 'holes' to help both of you improve and do better.  Sometimes these things really are a team effort. 
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Change is really hard even if someone wants to change.  I don't think an ultimatum per se, at least not yet, is the right tactic.  But the LW should start encouraging the behaviors he has talked about.

    Suggest they start cooking dinner together more often.  Ask for him to join on the LW's workouts.

    With some encouragement, especially if those positive changes become his new habits, this problem might correct itself.  If it doesn't, then it is time to talk about their future.

    If they do have that discussion, it's important for the LW to try and keep any judgement out of it and keep it more a talk about compatibility.
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