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Why don't you try to open up to your brother a little?

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

After college, a toxic relationship and drug use forced me (he/him) across the country for rehab. In early sobriety, I got a barista job that I kept while in school for a license I never completed. COVID hit, and having a job at all felt lucky. Another emotionally abusive relationship, alongside preexisting mental health issues, landed me in the psych ward for suicidal ideation. Poor management and five years without a raise became quiet quitting, which became getting fired. Now I’m struggling to get interviews, and still am clueless about what career I even want. I feel like a complete fuck-up. I see people my age having kids and buying houses, not struggling to find work or withdrawing from their retirement to avoid eviction. It’s impacted my relationship with my brother. 17 months younger, I’ve always felt compared to him. He and his (genuinely amazing) wife live somewhere I can’t afford. I struggle talking to them because they’re living the life I wanted. I’ll be seeing them during a trip home for my 30th birthday, which I’m already struggling with. I don’t want to resent them for doing well but don’t know how to control those feelings currently. I’m afraid I’ll make a dick of myself during this trip (which they paid for), but don’t know if I can bite my tongue that long. How can I balance all this?

—Unmoored Going on 30

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Re: Why don't you try to open up to your brother a little?

  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    The LW needs to stop blaming everything else for his problems and look in the mirror.  His brother has the life he has because he worked for it and made better choices.  We are not all born equally and luck can be factor.  But the majority of the time, we shape our own lives and I'm hearing a lot of excuses in this letter.

    It's definitely not too late for the LW to turn his life around.  But he needs to make a plan for it.

    Instead of seeing his brother as competition, he should talk to him about the struggles he is having.  The brother might have good advice on some paths to consider and help him formulate a plan.

    If the LW isn't already seeing a therapist, he should see if there are low/no cost programs for that.  
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I don't see LW as blaming anyone for anything. He's calling himself a fuckup and trying to wrap his head around how to deal with feelings of jealousy and inadequacy without being an asshole to the bro. Pretty much any siblings who are 17 months apart are going to have some sort of sibling rivalry, especially when they're the same gender. When you feel so far behind your sibling, there is going to be a lot of feelings there. 

    I think therapy is a good idea for the longer term, both to come to terms with not being where you thought you wanted to be and figuring out what to do next, but I don't think that's an immediate solution for an upcoming trip. LW needs to keep in mind that 1) bro is not being successful at him and 2) most people's lives aren't as perfect as they seem from 3000 miles away. Being a little vulnerable with the brother is a good idea too. 
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