My partner monologues when he's high and it's annoying.
Dear Prudence,
My partner has been on pretty harmless but annoying journey with drugs lately and I’m not sure how to deal with it. For context, we’ve been together about 10 years and have mostly been really naturally aligned on drugs and alcohol—light social drinking, a bit of weed use but nothing stronger. No red or even yellow flags about substance abuse, ever. It’s just that for the last few months, he’s been getting really into taking weed gummy most nights and having Deep Thoughts that he wants to verbally process with me. The other night, I sat totally silent on the couch reading a book for a whole hour while he monologued to me something about the nuances of various actors’ famous performances. Sometimes the Deep Thoughts are about art and music, but sometimes they’re very profound and vulnerable feelings he’s having about his identity, appearance, aging, etc. I don’t enjoy talking to someone who’s on another level than me, and being talked at gives me a literal headache but I’m nervous to harsh his vibe in the moment when he’s feeling very vulnerable.
Besides this behavior, I’d also honestly like to also just have more nights of the week together when he isn’t stoned. Weed mostly just makes me relaxed and sleepy, so I’m never really going there with him. He sees a therapist and he has friends, so I don’t think he’s so lonely and has no one to talk to. I think it’s more like weed removes his roadblocks to treating me more like a diary or an audience than a person. I have (honestly, painful) memories of watching my mom doze off on the couch while my motormouth dad talks to her, unaware and unconcerned if she cares to hear what he has to say or not. So I fear it’s a pattern I’m repeating! How would you approach a conversation like this? I never saw my mom address it once in her life.
—Unstoned and Unimpressed
Re: My partner monologues when he's high and it's annoying.
I get it, I'm a monologuer too when high, but I can usually catch myself and laugh about it. There are also ways to mitigate that with different strains and such. I think LW needs to talk to their partner about this, not partner.
But I get it, I can be the chatty one too, especially when something is on my mind or I'm trying to work through something. Removing the inhibition and just saying what you're really feeling is helpful, but only when there's a willing participant on the other side of the couch. The fact that partner is having deep thoughts and use is increasing makes me wonder if partner is subconsciously looking for an outlook for whatever they're trying to process right now.
But be honest about the painful memories. Try to create a space where you can have sober talks about his more vulnerable feelings, and be able to express yourself in kind.
Come to a mutual agreement on frequency of use. And how it's best for the LW to handle it when he goes off on a monologue.
Tell him pretty much what is said in the letter. That they don't want to cut off the serious discussions if these are things he wants to talk about. But it needs to be when he is sober. The LW mentions it's like he's journaling. If he doesn't remember what he talks about, he might appreciate being recorded to jump off a conversation later.
The LW should also set an expectation that they might sometimes say, "I need some solo time," and leave the room. if the monologuing becomes too much.