Dear Prudence,
My high school reunion was last weekend, and I ran into a former long-time bully (she bullied me for 12 years straight). Apparently “Jane” is now the nicest person in the world, but I don’t care. When she approached me and hilariously acted like we’d been good friends who just lost touch, I publicly reminded her that she conducted “polling” that all showed my classmates wanted me to kill myself. She also paid boys to grab my breasts in the cafeteria and laugh. No adult did anything, of course. I also reminded Jane that she was awful to me for over a decade, especially during a period when she was closer to being an adult than a child. I was very intentionally NOT mean, and my tone was matter-of-fact. I never yelled, but I didn’t lower my voice when we were in a group of people.
Jane did WAY more bullying than that. I cannot even begin to describe how much pain and anguish I endured AND I really was considering suicide for most of that 12-year period, which I told her. Therapy has addressed some of that pain, but it hasn’t completely gone away. Jane got upset and cried, and she tried to apologize, but I didn’t care. Nothing will undo what she did, and an apology is so disproportionate to the damage she inflicted. I told her this. After the reunion, Jane emailed me another apology, and it came off as really desperate. It seems as though I remind her that she’s not really the saint she is today. Do I owe her anything at this point? I’m not sorry about what I said. She deserves to live with some of the pain she caused that I’ve been carrying.
—The Ex Bully Is Still No Saint