Dear Prudence,
I’m the eldest of two—an older sister to a younger brother. We’ve always been thick as thieves. Even though we’re a few years apart and look completely different, people often refer to us as twins because of how close-knit we are. We’ve always understood each other, even though our personalities are a bit difficult to read at times for others. This leads to the problem: We’re both in our 20s and he has his first serious girlfriend post-high school.
She’s a nice, personable woman, they’ve been dating for a year, and recently she’s making a HUGE effort to be my friend separately from her relationship with my brother. All of that is great and normal, but it just isn’t working for me and I don’t know what to do about it. We’ve hung out a few times because I’m bad at saying no to decent people, but our personalities don’t align enough for those interactions to have been truly enjoyable. I love spending time with my close people, or even in crowded events where my attention and energy can flow, but spending hours alone with someone I just don’t feel relaxed around is more than I can sustain long-term. I am a social person, and I enjoy her in a group setting; I’m just not convinced we’re ready for the type of relationship she wants and I don’t know what to say when she tries to make plans.
I also can’t help but feel like her attempt to be friends is motivated by a desire to understand my brother better or to gain my approval of the relationship. I can understand how a romantic partner would think my opinion of them would matter to him and she’s subtly asked questions that I’ve evaded, because he and I don’t share each other’s secrets, ever. I understand why she would want to have a friendship with me, and I don’t disapprove of her and my brother’s relationship in any way, I just don’t feel compelled to keep up a friendship that doesn’t feel natural. My question is: How do I either rise to this occasion and realize I just need to figure out how to be her friend or how do I let her know that this is too much, too fast for me? I don’t want to hurt her feelings, I just feel like I’m compromising my own boundaries to not rock the boat for her or my brother and I don’t know if I can/should sustain that.
—Overwhelmed in Oregon