Wedding Woes

You can't fix Paul, but you can tell him the invitation is for him only.

Dear Prudence, 

I come from a close family where everyone is successfully paired up except for my twin brother “Paul.” Last year, Paul finally got out of his toxic on-and-off relationship after his ex took a hammer to his car.

But now Paul has been dating desperately, picking unhinged girlfriends, and dumping them on us during family gatherings. I spent my grandmother’s birthday being held hostage in conversation by one who was convinced that she was psychic. One tried to sell us essential oils. There was also the Trumper who wanted to be a tradwife (we are firmly Democrats). The last one picked a fight over Palestine with our Jewish sister in front of her kids.

Everyone is sick to death of this pattern and has collectively elected me to be the one who has to have the come-to-Jesus conversation with my brother. I love Paul and have been urging him to seek a counselor for years. He is convinced he just hasn’t found “the One.” My brother is good-looking, funny, and has a great job. He would be a catch by any measure but seems to only catch these type of women. Where do I even begin? Or at least, how do I get him to stop bringing them to family events? My wife’s birthday is coming up and I think she might kill me if more drama is dumped on us.

—No New Dates

Re: You can't fix Paul, but you can tell him the invitation is for him only.

  • "Hey Paul with the wife's birthday coming up we'd love for you to come but the invitation is just for you." 

    And if he pushes back be clear that there's a pattern of behavior for events where he brings new partners.  
  • banana468 said:

    And if he pushes back be clear that there's a pattern of behavior for events where he brings new partners.  
    "Tricia tried to read my palm, Tammy tried to sell me essential oils, Teresa thought she was going to be your kept wife on a homestead and also was loud and proud about her politics, and Thelma called Jane a Palestinian baby-murderer.  Can you see why Pam just wants you to be at her bday dinner?" 

  • Yes you can invite only who you want to, but you’re probably going to alienate Paul if he’s the only one who can’t bring the person he’s with. These women seem weird but harmless (not the one picking the fights- I would not invite her). Unless they’re being offensive or rude I think you beam dip and try and set Paul up with someone who isn’t bananas. 
  • This is a constant sore spot for H's family. His sister brings someone new at least once a year to family events and it's exhausting to meet someone new constantly. Plus sometimes they bug the shit out of us and we already know it's not going to last. It feels cruel to tell her she can't bring someone new (or give a time line) because I know it's hard to watch everyone else being a couple. Also she always fudges the timelines anyways ("we just celebrated our five month anniversary!" Um, it's March and you started dating in late January) so it probably wouldn't make a difference if we tried to limit it.


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  • Yes you can invite only who you want to, but you’re probably going to alienate Paul if he’s the only one who can’t bring the person he’s with. These women seem weird but harmless (not the one picking the fights- I would not invite her). Unless they’re being offensive or rude I think you beam dip and try and set Paul up with someone who isn’t bananas. 
    I feel like it depends on the event.  

    Also....this is odd to me.  In both families we don't just bring a new person.  So at some point when Paul DOES have a partner I can just imagine the stories she gets, "So....what's your deal?  Are you cleansing my aura?  Do you need me to start selling leggings in horrible patterns?   Are you a frutarian?"   At some point he's going to be a joke and I don't know why it hasn't happened yet. 

    DH has a ton of cousins and it's kind of an unspoken thing that you don't show up to a family event with a SO unless there's a chance of permanence.  When DH brought me to a family wedding our relationship was new but we knew each other for years.   All told I think there are only 3 exes that ever attended a family wedding and 4 to attend big family functions where the extended group is present.   We knew that one cousin was hugely in love because his now wife attended grandma's wake and funeral as her first step to the family.  
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