Dear Prudence,
My multi-year romantic partner is empathic. When one of her friends tells her about an occurrence in their life (e.g. a death in the family), it often negatively impacts her mood and behavior. However, unless the upsetting incident directly affects me, she won’t share any information about it; she binds herself to self-imposed secrecy. I am told “It does not involve you” when I ask what’s wrong. She also refuses to ask them for permission to share with me, and feels that asking itself would be a form of betrayal.
Conversely, I feel that long-term partners need to be at liberty to share sensitive information that emotionally affects the other, even if indirectly, and regardless of the source. I don’t feel that communication on a “need to know” basis is an appropriate choice for a serious romantic relationship, and am not aware of any relationship that has endured under those conditions.
I think both views have valid points and I appreciate her sense of loyalty, but I feel excluded from significant portions of her emotional existence. It is very difficult to be perpetually supportive while also being kept at arm’s length and often on the receiving end of the mood ignited by the third party’s issue. Salacious gossip or “girl talk” would be one thing, but she keeps public information from me (e.g. an accident or arrest) that I might find in a news article—which is fine with her as long as she is not the source.
I cherish the relationship and I don’t want to leave, but we have not been able to bridge the divide over her devotion to a secrecy that no one requested. Please help me adjust my thinking if it’s normal for someone to keep every relationship in total isolation from their partner.
—Broken by Silence