Dear Prudence,
My partner (35 F) and I (29 M) are discussing marriage. We’ve been dating for 11 months and living together for four. We both know that this is on the early side for saying “I do,” but we feel confident about this, and there are other factors on the timing too. Neither of us has connected with anyone else like we have with each other (we have both had past serious relationships; she has cohabitated with prior exes). We’ve formed a functional domestic unit, we communicate directly yet kindly, we love each other deeply, the sex is amazing, and we want the same things out of life. We’ve both been in therapy and feel like we’re able to identify when someone is good for us. We’ve done pre-cohabitation and premarital counseling (one session each). Because of our negative experiences surrounding divorce (we are both products of divorced marriages), we are going to get a prenup, mostly to protect my assets.
Normally, even with all of the above, we both would wait a year or two before tying the knot. After all, in most scenarios, marriage provides little in direct practical benefits beyond a tax break. However, her immigration status is such that, if we were to travel abroad (to see her family before an elder passes, for example), she may be unable to return. Moreover, if Trump is reelected, he’s promised to use the National Guard to round up millions of immigrants, and she could be swept up in workplace raids. Even if Trump isn’t reelected, enforcement and rules for immigration can change suddenly and unpredictably (e.g., Biden’s recent executive order on asylum-seekers). Prudie, I love this woman with all my heart. We are building a life together, and the thought of the government making us unable to live together, at least in the U.S., makes me sick. How crazy is it for us to tie the knot in the next few months, regularize her immigration situation, and live our life from there? We can host a more traditional wedding in a few years once we’ve saved up for it.
—Crazy in Love or Just Crazy?