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If they're paying, it's their say.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
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in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence, 

I am 18 years old and due to financial circumstances, was forced to (by my parents) withdraw from my dream university. I am now stuck at home and am not happy in the slightest. I have a 16-year-old brother who routinely harasses me, which my parents know about, yet they refuse to do anything because “that’s how younger brothers are.” Instead of reapplying to colleges next year, they are insisting that I do what they want, which is to get my associate’s degree and then transfer, which would take more than two years now. They have no regard for what I want, and I am stuck. We have no family in the area, and all my friends have left to start university. I am not happy here, and won’t be until I can move out. How can I get them to accept that I’m an adult and have my own wants and needs?

—Exhausted Young Adult

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Re: If they're paying, it's their say.

  • banana468banana468 member
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    I think you need to look really hard at this because if you do not have the money to go to your dream university and your parents don't then what they're saying is that they won't set you up for financial failure.   And unless you're able to emancipate yourself from your parents you likely need to follow their lead here. 
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  • ei34ei34 member
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    Long-term you might appreciate what your parents are offering - earning an associates before earning a Bachelor's really cuts down on costs.  My own parents (and guidance counselors) were careful to not send us off to schools where we'd be 22 and have six-figures in debt, but not everyone is that lucky.  Can totally see how an 18yr old would be annoyed by this, though.
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  • CasadenaCasadena member
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    You're 18, you're parents can't force you to withdraw from anything, you just might have to pay for it another way. Totally understand it's a shift from what you thought would happen, but thing about your choices. You can take out loans (don't recommend), or get a job and move out, get your associates while living at home and deal with it. Get your associates and move out. There are a ton of options that aren't sitting at home whining about your brother and your parents. 
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  • banana468banana468 member
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    Casadena said:
    You're 18, you're parents can't force you to withdraw from anything, you just might have to pay for it another way. Totally understand it's a shift from what you thought would happen, but thing about your choices. You can take out loans (don't recommend), or get a job and move out, get your associates while living at home and deal with it. Get your associates and move out. There are a ton of options that aren't sitting at home whining about your brother and your parents. 
    Taking loans is not that easy if the parents are not going to fill out the FAFSA and LW is not legally emancipated from them.


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  • CasadenaCasadena member
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    banana468 said:
    Casadena said:
    You're 18, you're parents can't force you to withdraw from anything, you just might have to pay for it another way. Totally understand it's a shift from what you thought would happen, but thing about your choices. You can take out loans (don't recommend), or get a job and move out, get your associates while living at home and deal with it. Get your associates and move out. There are a ton of options that aren't sitting at home whining about your brother and your parents. 
    Taking loans is not that easy if the parents are not going to fill out the FAFSA and LW is not legally emancipated from them.


    Totally understand that. My point is, this person has options that they're choosing not to explore because it sounds they're bitter and disappointed. They have every right to be that, but also need to take some initiave to figure out the situation if they're unhappy with it. 
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  • banana468banana468 member
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    Casadena said:
    banana468 said:
    Casadena said:
    You're 18, you're parents can't force you to withdraw from anything, you just might have to pay for it another way. Totally understand it's a shift from what you thought would happen, but thing about your choices. You can take out loans (don't recommend), or get a job and move out, get your associates while living at home and deal with it. Get your associates and move out. There are a ton of options that aren't sitting at home whining about your brother and your parents. 
    Taking loans is not that easy if the parents are not going to fill out the FAFSA and LW is not legally emancipated from them.


    Totally understand that. My point is, this person has options that they're choosing not to explore because it sounds they're bitter and disappointed. They have every right to be that, but also need to take some initiave to figure out the situation if they're unhappy with it. 
    Yeah exactly.  LW is going to have to figure out if it's worth it to take on a lot of short term cost to do this along with the emotional cost.  And from what I understand, parents can still fight a child attempting to legally emancipate from them if there's any inkling that the child can be a tax deduction.
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  • CasadenaCasadena member
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    If LW is 18, is emancipation even something in play?
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  • banana468banana468 member
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    Casadena said:
    If LW is 18, is emancipation even something in play?
    Maybe things changed but when I was going through college it was a huge PITA to try to qualify for loans and any additional financial assistance.  At that age you can still be claimed on your parents' tax returns.  So unless OP opts for the GI bill as tuition assistance then the OP needs to cut through a ton of paperwork if they want to qualify for loans that they would sign on their own and that would not take their parents' income into play.

    My HS into college BF had a PITA time getting the loans he needed because he was on his own financially per his parents but both parents financial records were used when calculating the paperwork.  A different friend in college went through similar issues getting the financial aid he needed when he was saying that his mother was not supporting him or in the country but it didn't matter on paper - the colleges looked at the financial records and saw what could or could not be allowed. 

    I'll have to dig in more as this is is literally less than 4 years ahead for us but I don't think it's as simple as 'just take loans out in your name'.   
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  • levioosalevioosa member
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    banana468 said:
    Casadena said:
    If LW is 18, is emancipation even something in play?
    Maybe things changed but when I was going through college it was a huge PITA to try to qualify for loans and any additional financial assistance.  At that age you can still be claimed on your parents' tax returns.  So unless OP opts for the GI bill as tuition assistance then the OP needs to cut through a ton of paperwork if they want to qualify for loans that they would sign on their own and that would not take their parents' income into play.

    My HS into college BF had a PITA time getting the loans he needed because he was on his own financially per his parents but both parents financial records were used when calculating the paperwork.  A different friend in college went through similar issues getting the financial aid he needed when he was saying that his mother was not supporting him or in the country but it didn't matter on paper - the colleges looked at the financial records and saw what could or could not be allowed. 

    I'll have to dig in more as this is is literally less than 4 years ahead for us but I don't think it's as simple as 'just take loans out in your name'.   
    I remember being in literal tears doing my FAFSA and trying to get aid because my parents "made too much" to qualify for any grants, but they also told me they weren't paying and I was on my own. And FAFSA literally requires your parents info (which I still feel is a massive pile of bullshit) so there was no way to bypass that for grants. Your parents have to sign that they won't be helping you and if they won't do that (and mine wouldn't sign because of the tax implications) you're up shit creek without a paddle. It is a huge mire of insanity, especially when you are 18, trying to be independent, limited in funds, but struggling to get anywhere. It's a monumental process to bypass it. It can feel absolutely overwhelming. So I do have a lot of sympathy for LW. 


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  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic member
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    edited September 2024
    You are absolutely right @banana468 and @levioosa. If parents claim a college student as a dependent, their income is considered when financial aide (including loans) is dispersed. Being a dependent also means if they are included on their parents health insurance policies. I remember going through all that 40 plus years ago. I was trying to get financial aide for summer school (college) and my father would pay for it. I was SOL because I was still a dependent so his salary was considered in the package.

    It also irks me that, parents have to be included as financially responsible parties but can't have access to college records but that is a whole other topic.

    edited to add another thought
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  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
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    FAFSA in general is a royal PITA...  BUT - this year or last year a button was added "Parents not willing/able to share tax information" to the form so it eliminates that part of FAFSA in situations like the LW or others where the parents don't want that information being shared.  IMHO it shouldn't be part of FAFSA in today's day in age to begin with unless the student is under 18.  

    There's some lack of maturity happening with LW - first they don't realize they're 18 and do not have to ask permission, they can make decisions and act upon them.  Next - "Dream College" vs. ROI for degree program vs. debt load.  The "Dream College" without a sense of fiduciary responsibility for the cost vs. an Associate's that will produce the same job opportunities.  This isn't 30 years ago when you graduated high school, went to college for something you already were likely interested in, got into the profession, paid off your college debt within 10-15 years tops.  There is reason to be "team LW's parents" depending on what the field is that LW wants to study, my daughter's experiencing this now with school, the Associates will top her out for income professionally at 1/3 the price of the course pricing for the same core classwork than getting a 4-yr in the same field, the four year simply puts a BS/BA behind her name.  The "Dream College" may not be the best place to go for that field of study either!  The "Dream College" may also be a great option for a Master's or Doctorate when the time comes but too often students are sold that a BS/BA school is what will cause them to succeed when in reality it's their personal drive that causes them to succeed regardless of what field they pursue.


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  • CasadenaCasadena member
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    Thanks for all the info - my understanding was along the lines of what MesmrEwe posted. Annoying/hard but not impossible. If that's not the case then absolutely understand why LW can't just take out loans. So I was wrong there for sure. 
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  • banana468banana468 member
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    charlotte989875 said:
    I hate paying my student loans every month. I think the cost of college is absurd and needs a massive overhaul. We would absolutely be in a better financial position if we didn’t have my loans. 

    But, I was someone who picked my expensive dream school and it worked out for me. Changed the entire trajectory of my life, financially and otherwise. My Dad was enlisted in the military, my mom a nurse who did eventually get a BS (the same year I graduated!) They couldn’t pay for my college, or Masters or supplement my PhD, the only way those happened were with loans; did have a tuition waiver and stipend for my PhD, my stipend was $12k and didn’t even cover my yearly rent.  I’m now a senior VP at my Fortune 500 company, not bad for a kid from rural upstate NY. 

    Would it have happened if I didn’t go to a private school? Maybe, but I doubt it. I got into my grad program, in part because of rec letters from my undergrad faculty. And there is a tangible network & name recognition factor in colleges & universities. Should there be? Of course not but it’s true. 

    Not saying this is true for everyone or that the LW should absolutely go to a school they can’t afford. But if only students with parents who can afford elite colleges get to attend those schools then we continue to reinforce the systems that made those families wealthy to begin with. If low income and middle class kids don’t get to attend elite universities then those universities will continue to bestow benefits only on wealthy students.

    off my soapbox now! 
    I'm there with you!

    I also loathe the way that the loan process works.  I grew up and continue to live in a high COL state.  The savings that DH and I squirrel away is after the mortgage and taxes to be here which are much more than say BIL who is an attorney at a private firm in a lower COL state.   When the dollar doesn't go as far here as it does in other places and our in-state tuition is more than $7,000 more than the in-state tuition for the comparable university for BIL's state the entire way to process and receive aid isn't fair IMO. 

    Add to that the cost of college climbing out of control with little being done to squash it.  It's infuriating that with the kitchen table issues coming up of inflation the climbing cost of college seems to be met with a rough shoulder shrug as if we just need to accept that we're screwing over the younger generation if they want to succeed.  

    That said, depending on your major and trajectory the bigger school can be the big deal.  IMO, certain careers do not warrant the highest cost private colleges.  But if there are networking possibilities that are proven with the college and that can link you to a great job that will also put you in a position to start paying those loans?  Yeah, there's a cost to weigh here. 
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