I don't think asking her to step down will help anything here.
Dear Prudence,
I love my sister and nephew, but he is a literally tornado of a toddler. Taking him out in public is always dicey, but my sister insists anyway. Well, I am planning my wedding and my sister is one of my bridesmaids. I have arranged several fun and low-key activities for the wedding party. Think a spa day or going to a local winery for my bachelorette party. All of these events have been planned in advance, and I have repeatedly asked the sister to arrange for childcare. She says she did but then lugs my shrieking nephew right into the center of everything.
During my bridal shower, he was crawling under tables, throwing food, and screaming at the top of his lungs. My sister was just oblivious. I didn’t get to pick out my wedding dress because he was running around and crashed into an attendant who dropped the champagne. I was so stressed because our mom died when we were little, and she always talked about picking out our dresses together. I ended up having a huge fight with my sister. She lives with her boyfriend and his parents—it isn’t like she doesn’t have options for childcare. She called me a diva and made excuses that my nephew is just a baby and needs to be out in public to learn.
I love my sister but this is ridiculous, and I don’t want the rest of my wedding ruined. Should I ask her to step down from my wedding party?
—Worried Wedding
Re: I don't think asking her to step down will help anything here.
"Oh, he's not allowed at the spa. If that means you can't make it that's OK."
Don't tell her about her role. Tell her about where he is and isn't allowed and make it reasonable. My kids needed to be in public to learn but you don't take messy kids to a place with white dresses until they're old enough to handle them AND not be a liability. I started with places like chain restaurants and church.
I have a feeling sister is going to bring him anyway. She knows these aren't small kid appropriate events. After the one invitation, she's not invited. She can still stand at the wedding, since everything else is optional. LW is going to have to figure out if she wants to do this or not, b/c in a situation like this, I bet it's going to have to be deal with the kid to have her sister or not have her sister.