Dear Prudence,
After our two children were born, I became a surrogate twice. Both times I was paid and we went through an agency. The money was enough for my family to buy a house and put a good start on our retirement fund. I have never been close to my stepbrother. Our family didn’t handle his coming out very well, and fences have been mended only these past few years. Although my husband and I attended his wedding, we almost never see him or his husband outside of the occasional family holiday.
Which is why, when he approached me to be a surrogate, I was shocked. The entire conversation made me very uncomfortable, and even with the money that he offered, it just felt as if it could go wrong in too many ways. I discussed it with my husband, and we decided to decline. My stepbrother blew up and accused us of being racist and homophobic. (His husband is a different race from us.) My stepbrother has weaponized our refusal into an entire familywide feud. My stepmother and stepsister are furious with me and have brought up the subject within earshot of my children.
My husband and I skipped my father’s birthday because we didn’t want to deal with the topic again. We were thinking of doing one last surrogacy before I got too old to help with college for our kids, but I know if we do, we will never hear the end of it from everyone. What do we do here? My problem has nothing to do with my stepbrother’s sexuality and everything to do with his attitude.
—Surrogate in the Southwest