Dear Prudence,
I (31F) am in a small group of very close friends, with “Jane” (30F) being my childhood best friend. She and “Walt” (37M) had a child 13 months ago. Since then, their marriage has suffered. There’s constant tension between them. My heart aches for them. Neither of them is the villain.
I’m not a couples therapist, but I am a counselor. Jane trusts my perspective. I love supporting her, but it’s becoming increasingly difficult. She’ll say she wants advice, and then gets frustrated when I provide it. She’ll want to vent without me giving advice, and then is disappointed when I don’t offer it anyway. She demands a lot of my time and sulks when she doesn’t get it; I see her two to three times weekly, work full-time, and can’t give more. I’m devastated that she’s suffering, but I’m held to unattainable standards—her expectations for Walt have transitioned onto me. We had a surprisingly tense exchange, where at her explicit request I pointed her to some free resources for communication. She snapped at me: The situation will never improve. She and Walt are forever damaged, and I need to stop intervening. I decided that if she asks for input, it’s best if I don’t give it and just remain sympathetic.
We love them. They clearly need support outside of the free childcare we provide. But the vibe is such a bummer! We desperately want to help—but their marriage is none of our business. We have begun spending more time together without them. I’m torn between feeling relieved, and guilty that we have scaled back. How do we help them through this, without sacrificing one of our entire weekend days to their bickering and sullen silences? And, perhaps more importantly, how do I balance Jane’s needs with my own?
—Nunya