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"With my surgery coming up, I *need* you to help me..."

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence, 

My wife and I have a 5-year-old and a 4-year-old. We have been fighting about trying to get the kids to sleep in their own beds since our oldest was 3. I want our adult space back and she will agree with me then back down the next time one of the kids tries to crawl into our bed.

When she was away for two weeks, I kept a strict schedule of a glass of water, one story, a kiss, and a few cuddles before it was lights out. If the kids got up, they went right back to bed. I was getting woken up three or four times a night, but eventually, the kids started to adjust to the schedule and slept through the night in their own room. Then when my wife got back, she fell into the bad pattern of just backing down and saying it was “just one night.”

It isn’t one night. It is a failure to keep consistent boundaries with our kids. I am tired of being put into the territory of the bad guy here. It doesn’t help that I have a major surgery coming up that will put me on mandatory bedrest and while I love my kids, I am not looking forward to getting slammed with pain because one of the kids crawls in with us and head butts me. I love my wife and I love my kids but I want my bed back. Help!

—Not a Big Enough Bed

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Re: "With my surgery coming up, I *need* you to help me..."

  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    "I need you to know that this is so detrimental to my sleep in general and that's without the upcoming surgery.   This needs to stop and you promised me it would."


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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    OK, so I feel for this LW.  But I also understand his wife.  I was *sad* when DefConn stopped coming into our room. 

    Furthermore, if LW wanted to keep the routine he set when mom was OOT, he could have continued removing the kids from the bed and putting them back in their room.  I completely understand that having a 3am fight with a 4 year old about going back to their bed when mom is saying, "oh it's fine, just one night" sucks, but LW should have done it to prove a 'point' and keep *his* boundaries. 

    I wonder if she's lenient with anything else or if this is just one of those battles she didn't want to pick (especially when tired and trying to get rest). 

    Anyway, this is a daytime conversation to have and try to come up with a plan that they both think is workable.  Also, get the kids involved.  Kids usually love to help or feel like they're part of something, so tell them about the surgery and what you expect from recovery (in age appropriate ways) and explain that they are loved, but need to stay in their bed so dad can get the rest and recovery he needs so her can take them to the park or pick them up or whatever. 
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  • ei34ei34 member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    This is hard. My kids are several years older than LW’s and at least one kid per night *still* comes into my bed.  If a kid has a bad dream or sees a weird shadow or just needs closeness, 2am is just a tricky time to reason with them.  (Maybe they’re a same sex couple, but I’m kind of reading LW as a dad. And sorry but kids want/need mommy in a much different way than daddy, so I’d probably come slightly off the high horse and saying your wife has bad patterns.)

    That said, a surgery and recovery is a special circumstance. If LW will physically be in danger if one of the kids climbs into bed, maybe for those weeks LW could sleep in the kids’ room, and the kid(s) could sleep in the parents’ bed? Or maybe there’s a spare bedroom Lw could sleep in?  If it’s a health/safety issue?  Bc again it’s hard to reason with kids in the middle of the night or turn away a scared/upset/half asleep child.
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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I think I'm harsher on this because DH and I were united that once they were old enough to walk they weren't in the bed.    I do like the idea of getting the kid involved and possibly also talking to the wife about the sleep needed, how hard it is to be impacted and if the snuggles are needed, she can join the kids in their beds.  It sucks - but it's a big sticking point for me if you want to move away from it to find other ways to ensure that the kids get the cuddles if your bed is your space. 
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  • CasadenaCasadena member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited October 2024
    H and I say this all the time too. We'd both prefer that kiddos are taken back to their room immediately. However, 98% of the time, they come to me and sometimes i'm not interested in fighting with my 3 year old for the 3rd time that night and want to go tf to sleep whether they're with us or not. Unless one is right in his face asking for him, the man rarely even wakes up when they come in. So I feel like my opinion in the moment matters a tiny bit more, lol. 

    Last night they both managed to come in our bed without either of us even noticing. We woke up 4 in a row like sardines and somehow the little dudes slept in between us and didn't fight each other. I'll take win! (and the sleep)

    ETA: Why can't dad handle more stuff in the middle of the night? We all read these through our own lense but my immediate thought was my personal situation. Sounds like "she fell into the pattern" because SHE is the one waking up. Maybe help her a bit in the night time and things we'll go more the way you want them to. 
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