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This letter's tone has me all sorts of 'ew'.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

Ever since my wife (37F) and I (40M) got married, she’s struggled to keep up with her chores around the house. Back then, we were both working, so I was doing a number of chores along with her. Mine would get done but hers would not. Since that time, we’ve had three children, 12, 8, and 4. After our first child was born, she stopped working and has been a full-time stay at home mom. It’s something we both wanted, and I can support the family well by myself. However, when she stopped working, the chores shifted to be more on her because she was home. We talked about what she and I would each be responsible for and agreed on what was reasonable. However, she’s still never kept up with her responsibilities. She comes up with different activities to take the kids to, she “feels bad” a lot of days and doesn’t do anything but lay around while the little one watches TV. I provide for the family, pay all the bills, keep up with house and car maintenance, and do the budget.

I just ask for a clean house and meals to eat, but somehow she cannot seem to make that happen. I’ve expressed my frustration with the lack of her doing her part, but nothing has ever changed permanently.

How do I get my message to her that I am unhappy with this arrangement and desperately need something to change?

—Drowning in Stuff

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Re: This letter's tone has me all sorts of 'ew'.

  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    mrsconn23 said:

    Dear Prudence,

    Ever since my wife (37F) and I (40M) got married, she’s struggled to keep up with her chores around the house. Back then, we were both working, so I was doing a number of chores along with her. Mine would get done but hers would not. Since that time, we’ve had three children, 12, 8, and 4. After our first child was born, she stopped working and has been a full-time stay at home mom. It’s something we both wanted, and I can support the family well by myself. However, when she stopped working, the chores shifted to be more on her because she was home. We talked about what she and I would each be responsible for and agreed on what was reasonable. However, she’s still never kept up with her responsibilities. She comes up with different activities to take the kids to, she “feels bad” a lot of days and doesn’t do anything but lay around while the little one watches TV. I provide for the family, pay all the bills, keep up with house and car maintenance, and do the budget.

    I just ask for a clean house and meals to eat, but somehow she cannot seem to make that happen. I’ve expressed my frustration with the lack of her doing her part, but nothing has ever changed permanently.

    How do I get my message to her that I am unhappy with this arrangement and desperately need something to change?

    —Drowning in Stuff

    Send her away for a week and do all the things that you think she needs to do up to the standard you feel are needed AND do all the hands on things that she does with the kids. 

    Or hire a cleaning lady.

    Or better yet, tell her so she's entitled to half your paycheck but not your mouth. 
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    SHE IS PROVIDING FOR THE FAMILY BY RAISING YOUR KIDS!  OMG, fuck this guy. 

    Furthermore, if she's having frequent days where she 'feels bad'...are you concerned that she has a health (physical or mental)?  No?  You just view her as 'lazy'.  

    ANDPLUSALSO, spending your entire day with young kids can be tedious, boring, overwhelming, and unstimulating all at the same time.  And trying to do housework with a 4YO underfoot can be like using a blender without a lid.  So there literally may be no way to keep up.  

    LW's usage of 'chores' makes me want to kick him in the nutsack.  Like he's dictating shit to her.  

    No, no, no, no, NO.  

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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    mrsconn23 said:
    SHE IS PROVIDING FOR THE FAMILY BY RAISING YOUR KIDS!  OMG, fuck this guy. 

    Furthermore, if she's having frequent days where she 'feels bad'...are you concerned that she has a health (physical or mental)?  No?  You just view her as 'lazy'.  

    ANDPLUSALSO, spending your entire day with young kids can be tedious, boring, overwhelming, and unstimulating all at the same time.  And trying to do housework with a 4YO underfoot can be like using a blender without a lid.  So there literally may be no way to keep up.  

    LW's usage of 'chores' makes me want to kick him in the nutsack.  Like he's dictating shit to her.  

    No, no, no, no, NO.  

    I hope it's understood that my comments mean divorce!!

    I feel like this guy wrote a letter from the 80s at best.  Are there still guys like this who believe it?  
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  • flantasticflantastic member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Oh no, she’s prioritizing planning enriching activities for herself and the children over whether the home remains spotless!

    As a mom with executive dysfunction, I’m gonna do what I find interesting or most important. I also have mental health bad days. Do my husband and I both wish we could keep the house cleaner and plan meals more ahead? Sure. But it’s not our top priority and I’m glad it’s not. And that DH has understanding of what goes on in taking care of kids, the mental load of planning meals, etc. etc.

    I have the world’s tiniest violin for this guy.
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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I’m sorry but I have a 4 year old, who plays with other 4 year olds and while they do love movies & TV I know none of them that are going to sit quietly and watch TV literally all day. Unless they’re sick. It just doesn’t happen. 

    But yah this guy sucks. 
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