Dear Prudence,
I’ve never had a great relationship with my mother-in-law but I thought it was cordial. My in-laws live across the country so I haven’t seen much of them in the past few years. When we do speak on the phone, I always invite them to visit us and see the grandkids whenever they wish. Last night, my husband was speaking with his mother on speaker and she made the craziest statement: She said I wanted to move her into assisted living because I hated her! She claims that while she was visiting a few months ago, she overheard me telling a neighbor that I hated her. Prudie, my MIL has hearing loss and had forgotten to bring her hearing aids on the trip! Needless to say, I never said anything even close to that. She continued to say that my hatred was why she almost never visited and wouldn’t have relationships with any of the grandkids.
I don’t hate her! She’s had a very hard life, full of loss and unfulfilled dreams. I respect the strength it took her to survive. I’ve always tried to make her infrequent visits as comfortable as possible, even when she’s been difficult. She has always been a very negative, paranoid person and I’m sure she was in a bad mood when she said this. Plus, she’s in her early 80s—while I don’t think she has dementia, she is very sour. My husband said I should forget it since she’s clearly not thinking clearly. I fear if I don’t address it, this will become her new narrative, that her daughter-in-law has always hated her. I don’t want the last years we might have with her to be colored by this. Should I send a message and let her know that I do care about her and do not now nor have I ever hated her?
—Not a Hater