He was wrong, but you took it too far.

mrsconn23 · October 2024

Dear Prudence,

Our father retired after working 50 years, so my three siblings and I decided to take him and his wife to a very expensive restaurant to celebrate. I told my siblings that I would be covering what our dad and his wife got, but they needed to figure out their own budgets. While I make a good living, it isn’t enough to cover the entire party. My brother chooses this event to introduce us to “Stan,” his new boyfriend. It started off uncomfortable since Stan was at least 25 years younger than my brother.

Stan proceeded to order extremely expensive cocktail after extremely expensive cocktail and badger to “try” the whiskey flight that our father got. Our sister tried to speak quietly to our brother about what was going on, but he ignored us. At the end of the night, Stan had ended up running a bill that was three times what I spend on myself and our parents. My brother’s credit cards were all declined and rather than spoil the celebration, I put it on mine. After that, I texted my brother that he was a goddam disappointment for inflicting this gold digger on us and not being able to put his money where his mouth was—he needed to pay me back. My brother went on a tear trying to paint me as homophobic. I told him to stop acting like a brat. If he had brought a woman that was nearly his daughters’ ages and ran up a huge bill that he couldn’t pay, I would use the same language.

The thing is, ever since he came out of the closet and got divorced, he has been acting like a teenager on spring break. It has to stop. Or at least stop inflicting it on us. He is already estranged from his daughters. My brother cursed me and refuses to pay. My other siblings are this close to saying they don’t want him around anymore. We have tries to be supportive in the past, but this takes the cake. This was supposed to be a joyous celebration. I can’t get over how my brother tried to ruin it. What else is there to do? I don’t care whether my brother likes men or women, but his selfishness is hurting everyone.

—Party Pooper

VarunaTT · October 2024

There are studies that show that people will regress when they come out of the closet, especially if they are older. Basically straight people get to experiment, date, and view their sexuality from a young age. Queer folx don't (though that is starting to change, but there will always be issues as the minority) because it's all been bottled up for however many years from their realization to their out years.

That is no excuse for your brother though. But also, you're just mad at your brother for his behavior at the party -- he allowed more to be spent that he had -- nothing else should've been brought up or lashed out at. I think LW owes an apology for that part and also restate that LW's brother needs to pay him back. At that point, he can create a boundary around his brother's treatment of the family dynamic.

banana468 · October 2024

LW, you need to handle the situation that happened at the table and not what's happening in your brother's bedroom.

Don't create labels at anything and instead at the situation. You were clear that you weren't going to cover anyone but your parents and your meal and picking up the additional portion of the tab was not part of the arrangement. That it was also in far excess of the portion you actually budgeted adds insult to injury

Obviously that's a major issue on its own but the additional labeling is not OK.

Also, why is the BF the gold digger? The brother should be far more aware of what he can and can't spend and this was on his watch.

At this point be clear that you are sorry for the words used but you are extremely irritated that you were forced to play financial clean up at a situation that was easily avoidable and you won't put yourself in the position for it to occur in the future.

MyNameIsNot · October 2024

I don't think this is really about the dinner bill.

short+sassy · October 2024

Unfortunately, this is classic behavior when someone owes another person money and doesn't want to pay. They find a gossamer thread to be mad and use that as a reason to stiff the other person.

The LW isn't going to be paid back because their brother is a mooching jerk with a poor character. What they do with that info is up to them. At the very least, they shouldn't put themselves in a position where the brother can take advantage of them again.

He was wrong, but you took it too far.

Re: He was wrong, but you took it too far.

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