Dear Prudence,
I’m a partnered mother of a 5-year-old daughter and an almost 2-year-old son. I’ve had a rocky relationship with my dad since my teen years, starting after my parents’ divorce. Some of it is tied to his political ideologies not aligning with mine but also several instances of him simply being emotionally cruel toward me. In my opinion, he handles disagreements immaturely. Around the time my daughter was born, I ended a years-long estrangement with him to ensure my daughter, who had no personal reason to also be estranged from him, could build a relationship with her grandfather.
Two years later, there have now been two in-person situations where either we have gotten into a heated argument, and/or something stressful happens. Both times, he almost literally ran away in response—by that I mean that he got in his truck and drove straight home, which usually means a 10-plus hour drive, and sometimes without telling anyone. In this last instance, we were on vacation hundreds of miles away, mostly to see him (staying at a third-party location, not his home). My daughter was greatly enjoying her time with him, frequently commenting that she wanted to see him, sit with him, and fish with him. She would frequently ask where he was when she didn’t know. During this last blow-up, when he said he was leaving, I told him that my daughter would be crushed and was essentially told that it was “too bad.” My heart is broken for her as she was very upset to learn he had left (we tried to be as honest as was appropriate for her age and said that he wasn’t feeling well and needed to rest at home).
I’m beginning to question if I should be protecting my children from these “tantrums” by limiting their relationship. Or should I give him another chance to do better and try to make amends, should he attempt so? As a man in his 60s, I imagine he is not going to change his behavior but I don’t believe it’s fair to accept this type of treatment toward my family and myself. My top priority is to protect my children but I also want them to build a relationship with their grandparents like I did during my childhood—if possible, that is.
—Emotionally Wrecked