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Wedding Woes

No one is owed a relationship with your kids

Dear Prudence, 

I’m a partnered mother of a 5-year-old daughter and an almost 2-year-old son. I’ve had a rocky relationship with my dad since my teen years, starting after my parents’ divorce. Some of it is tied to his political ideologies not aligning with mine but also several instances of him simply being emotionally cruel toward me. In my opinion, he handles disagreements immaturely. Around the time my daughter was born, I ended a years-long estrangement with him to ensure my daughter, who had no personal reason to also be estranged from him, could build a relationship with her grandfather.

Two years later, there have now been two in-person situations where either we have gotten into a heated argument, and/or something stressful happens. Both times, he almost literally ran away in response—by that I mean that he got in his truck and drove straight home, which usually means a 10-plus hour drive, and sometimes without telling anyone. In this last instance, we were on vacation hundreds of miles away, mostly to see him (staying at a third-party location, not his home). My daughter was greatly enjoying her time with him, frequently commenting that she wanted to see him, sit with him, and fish with him. She would frequently ask where he was when she didn’t know. During this last blow-up, when he said he was leaving, I told him that my daughter would be crushed and was essentially told that it was “too bad.” My heart is broken for her as she was very upset to learn he had left (we tried to be as honest as was appropriate for her age and said that he wasn’t feeling well and needed to rest at home).

I’m beginning to question if I should be protecting my children from these “tantrums” by limiting their relationship. Or should I give him another chance to do better and try to make amends, should he attempt so? As a man in his 60s, I imagine he is not going to change his behavior but I don’t believe it’s fair to accept this type of treatment toward my family and myself. My top priority is to protect my children but I also want them to build a relationship with their grandparents like I did during my childhood—if possible, that is.

—Emotionally Wrecked

Re: No one is owed a relationship with your kids

  • You get to decide what your kids get to see.  Eventually - they will make their judgement about the man if you continue to expose them to his behavior. 
  • Oh man, this is some shit. LW, your dad is an ass, and he treats you poorly. I get the desire for your kids to have a relationship with their grandfather, but at what cost? Do you think it's good for your kids to see him treating you that way? Have you convinced yourself that he will be a different person with them once they're old enough to have opinions than he's been with you? 

    You have to be the one to break the chain here, and you have to protect your kids even if it hurts. He is not going to change. You need to do what's best for your kids. 
  • LW, NOPE.  Having examples of healthy relationships is so important to kids and if your dad isn't capable of following the rules for you, he won't do it for your kids either.  Maybe getting some therapy for yourself to develop some tools so you know how to handle it for both yourself and as a mother, but I think you're right in keeping this estrangement up.
  • Listen, I wish my Dad had seen how awful his mom was and cut out contact instead of forcing us to see each other. Cutting out a toxic grandparent is like, the least harmful thing you could do as a parent. You know what will harm them? If they have a hot and cold emotional attachment or if he turns his emotional cruelty on them. 


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  • My maternal grandfather was an alcoholic and who knows what else. I think my mom let him see us once or twice as kids, but basically prefaced it as “You don’t expect anything from this guy. Know your other grandfather? It’s not gonna be like that. Generally we don’t see him because he wasn’t a great dad.”

    Then I remember him showing up to my cousin’s high school graduation party, discovering that I had also graduated high school that year, and handing me a five. But I hadn’t expected anything at all. I think that was probably the best possible outcome there.
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