My sister and I have always had a complicated relationship dating back to childhood, but have generally been fine the last several years (or so I thought) I did ask her to stand up next to me in our small wedding. No MOH responsibilities, I am doing the planning and execution, and it is fine. My sister is a highly successful individual (doctor) and comes in and out as her busy schedule allows but she is largely uninvolved in day to day of our family but when she is around, she makes it known (we call her Hurricane) and the attention and praise is on her, which is fine; I am good not being loud and the center of attention as I am a bit more reserved (though not passive) and certainly introverted.
A taste of what has transpired so far:
• We have had to plan basically every event - including the wedding date itself - around her schedule. There are hundreds of thousands of doctors in the world…do none of them work their schedules around their big, milestone family events?
• She got engaged a couple of months ago in the midst of my wedding planning - not an issue at all in itself but important for subsequent events
• When we went dress shopping for me, she went off on her own tried on a dress
• We did my girls weekend/bachelorette (I did NOT want a traditional Bach, just my mom, sister and myself) on her schedule 3 months before I wanted to in order to accommodate her
• She asked if she could include her best friend in the girls weekend which I didn’t really mind because she has been part of our family life for 10+ years
• Weekend came and her and her best friend were together, walking, talking, leaving me on the outside (which has been a thing before)
• When I mentioned it she blew up and said some incredibly hurtful things including that she wanted to include me (in my own celebration) because she knows I don’t have many friends, and that she did “everything” to have a nice weekend focused on me (all suggested activities were items she did at the destination when she was there a couple of years ago and included hiking which I was unable to fully partake in as I currently have a boot on my foot) and most hurtful “I worry that now that I’m planning my own wedding you’re going to regret not doing all of the traditional bride things and be jealous.” There couldn’t be anything further from the truth: I want low key and am happy for whatever she chooses to do
• Things seemed to resolve after it was all aired out
• We went shopping in the trip and she was trying on wedding bands
• When we arrived home I thanked everyone for a great weekend and she sarcastically said “yeah, greatttttt” and I asked her what it meant and she said “you know exactly what I meant”
• Proceeded to get a text from her saying our relationship is “nearly beyond repair” and said if I don’t talk to her in the next days before she leaves she will be cutting me out “for her own well being”
I am pretty gobsmacked but also recognize she may be dealing with unresolved conflicts from our childhood - what those are, I do not know because she hasn’t told me. I also know that she is used to being kind of the center of attention and maybe having the “spotlight” on someone else is uncomfortable for her, but I am reeling and don’t know how to proceed.
It’s not lost on me that she is doing this 4 months before my wedding which is supposed to be one of the happiest times in anyone’s life. I am going to let her say whatever she wants to me when we meet, but do not know how to handle having her stand up next to me, or in all honesty, even attend my wedding. Either would devastate my parents but my fiancé says we cannot risk her making a scene to turn attention to herself on our special day which she has proven she is capable of.
I am torn. If anyone has any advice, similar experiences, I welcome them. It felt cathartic to write all of this down. If you made it this far, thanks for listening.