Juliana's the worst, he'll figure it out

Casadena · January 16

Dear Prudence,

It has always been the family joke that my son would forget his head if it wasn’t screwed on. He can be very absent-minded and has lost keys, cell phones, or left clothing behind at a hotel. It has never been catastrophic, just a quirk. I am very bad with directions, my husband can’t boil water, and my daughter tends to be an over-planner—you get the picture.

Well, he brought his girlfriend, “Juliana,” over the holiday. Juliana was mean. She constantly berated my son over the smallest details, like he got the wrong brand of eggs at the store and treated him like an idiot constantly “reminding” him. It was very awkward when they had a fight in the entry way that we could all hear. My son shook his key chain and said Juliana didn’t have to treat him like a child. Even if he misplaced his keys, it wasn’t like they were going to walk out of the house. Juliana snapped that “normal” people don’t have this problem and my son needs to be examined by a professional.

My son can be forgetful like any other fallible human being! He did wonderfully in school and has a great job. There is nothing wrong with him and I hated hearing how Juliana treated him. She didn’t even bother to tone down her contempt around meeting his family for the first time. My husband tried to talk to our son but got the brush off. I don’t know what to do here. My daughter says that if she heard a girlfriend being screamed at like Juliana screamed at her brother she would stage an intervention. I am deeply worried here. What do I do?

banana468 · January 16

Two big issues here:
1) I don't think there's a carpet big enough to sweep this behavior under for the son. Losing keys, phones and clothing as a grown person is expensive and a security risk. Depending on whether or not these are personal or company property can also mean causes for disciplinary action if you lose a company cell phone.

2) Juliana's anger and lashing out is inappropriate. You can have a grain of truth to what you say that doesn't need to be said the way it was.

Has your son at any point been evaluated for ADHD?? You are negligent as a mother to consider this typical and something that's only chuckle worthy. If my H lost his keys then that would mean replacing the locks to our family home. If the phone was lost then that's re-coding all electronics in the home like remote garage door openers. That the mom is not seeing how the forgetfulness has repercussions that may affect others is absurd.

levioosa · January 16

Your daughter couldn't also possibly be an over planner because the rest of you are a mess. Of course not.

flantastic · January 16

banana468 said:

Two big issues here:
1) I don't think there's a carpet big enough to sweep this behavior under for the son. Losing keys, phones and clothing as a grown person is expensive and a security risk. Depending on whether or not these are personal or company property can also mean causes for disciplinary action if you lose a company cell phone.

2) Juliana's anger and lashing out is inappropriate. You can have a grain of truth to what you say that doesn't need to be said the way it was.

Has your son at any point been evaluated for ADHD?? You are negligent as a mother to consider this typical and something that's only chuckle worthy. If my H lost his keys then that would mean replacing the locks to our family home. If the phone was lost then that's re-coding all electronics in the home like remote garage door openers. That the mom is not seeing how the forgetfulness has repercussions that may affect others is absurd.

That's 100% where I am. Am I a successful professional who "did wonderfully in school" who also has more trouble than other people with forgetting that things exist if they aren't in front of my eyes? Do I wish that things could have been significantly easier with an earlier diagnosis of ADHD and plan to get that help for DD who is showing similar signs?" Yes and yes.

Juliana's reaction seems out of line and there's another way to say "You need to be evaluated by a professional" but she might be right.

short+sassy · January 16

I'm on Team they're both wrong. It's not a silly, harmless quirk. It's potentially a sign of a medical condition like ADHD and it wouldn't hurt to talk to a doctor.

The LW also needs to stop giving her H a pass for not being able to boil water. Everyone should know cooking basics. Enough to be able to cook some simple meals.

Julianna is verbally abusive, so I definitely understand why the family is concerned. But I also wonder if the LW is exaggerating it some. Yelling at him, especially about something like eggs is horrible. But constantly reminding him about things would depend on the tone she uses, because it sounds like he needs constant reminding.

Either way, he needs to see for himself that Julianna isn't the right woman for him. They should gently talk to him about their concerns but not push him too much because they might push him away.

banana468 · January 16

short+sassy said:

I'm on Team they're both wrong. It's not a silly, harmless quirk. It's potentially a sign of a medical condition like ADHD and it wouldn't hurt to talk to a doctor.

The LW also needs to stop giving her H a pass for not being able to boil water. Everyone should know cooking basics. Enough to be able to cook some simple meals.

Julianna is verbally abusive, so I definitely understand why the family is concerned. But I also wonder if the LW is exaggerating it some. Yelling at him, especially about something like eggs is horrible. But constantly reminding him about things would depend on the tone she uses, because it sounds like he needs constant reminding.

Either way, he needs to see for himself that Julianna isn't the right woman for him. They should gently talk to him about their concerns but not push him too much because they might push him away.

So part of this is also where I question if it's malicious compliance too. Did she say to get the free range extra large eggs and he came back w/ store brand large? That's both a possible ethical difference and size difference that affect recipes. And is she constantly reminding because he's constantly not remembering??

Her tone certainly sounds bad. And it's not an excuse but I wonder if she's feeling like she's carrying A LOT of mental workload to make up for what may be able to be remedied with a proper diagnosis and treatment and the consequences are problematic.

For DH we have a rule that if I need something specific I need to label it like, "Buy me Super Absorbency 100 percent organic cotton tampons in a plastic applicator" or "Herbal Essence Hairspray - current UPC is X".

I guess I'm really frustrated reading how the mom writes because it has that typical MIL tone of "MY family didn't have problems until SHE came along."

Casadena · January 16

The fact that she is comfortable speaking to him like that IN FRONT OF HIS FAMILY the FIRST TIME THEY MET HER is the biggest issue in this whole thing for me. Sure these things might be annoying AF to her. But i imagine they can't have been dating long, so if you hate this stuff so much, don't date him.

It's possible he has ADHD, but if he's not interested in getting tested at this point, that's his choice. I can see how if he's coped this long he doesn't feel like he needs a diagnosis or meds. It's also possible he's just the kind of person who is forgetful - he'll deal with the consequences of that and change, or not. Again his choice, and even if it affects another person that person doesn't have the right to speak to someone that way.

MyNameIsNot · January 16

Casadena said:

The fact that she is comfortable speaking to him like that IN FRONT OF HIS FAMILY the FIRST TIME THEY MET HER is the biggest issue in this whole thing for me. Sure these things might be annoying AF to her. But i imagine they can't have been dating long, so if you hate this stuff so much, don't date him.

It's possible he has ADHD, but if he's not interested in getting tested at this point, that's his choice. I can see how if he's coped this long he doesn't feel like he needs a diagnosis or meds. It's also possible he's just the kind of person who is forgetful - he'll deal with the consequences of that and change, or not. Again his choice, and even if it affects another person that person doesn't have the right to speak to someone that way.

This is where I am too. In a lot of ways, my H is like this. We were just talking the other day about the time he got engrossed in a book while sitting in the airport, lost track of time, and missed his flight. If I was ever going to lose my shit and yell at him about what I think are symptoms of undiagnosed ADHD, it was going to be the time that we had to spend $150 because he missed his flight even though he was in the airport. Even then, I would not act the way LW says Juliana did over some damned eggs, especially not in front of his family.

Maybe the forgetfulness is a big problem or a sign of a medical issue, maybe it really just is a harmless quirk. He's an adult now and he can decide if he wants to do something about it. In the same way, he's an adult now and he gets to decide when he's had enough of Juliana.

short+sassy · January 16

@MyNameIsNot, I almost missed my flight in the Atlanta airport of all places, lol.

I was flying back from a business trip in Huntsville, AL. It was a comedy of a couple errors. First off, NOLA and Huntsville are both Central time but ATL is Eastern. This was also before I had a smart phone, so nothing I had on me automatically switched the time.

But the bigger problem was the gate number changed after I'd gotten my boarding pass. I was already happily ensconced at the original gate. I was also reading a book and not paying much attention. But I finally noticed the gate was oddly quiet and nobody else was there.

I mean, it was 90 minutes before the flight but still. There should be a few people. Then the time change hit me. F**K!!!! It was only 30 minutes before my flight. Where is everybody? I went to one of the boards and saw the gate change. Thankfully it was the same concourse because with as big as that airport is, it might have been a whole other ball game if I'd had to go to another one.

I arrived at the correct gate a few minutes before they started boarding. Phew!

Juliana's the worst, he'll figure it out

Re: Juliana's the worst, he'll figure it out

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