Dear Prudence,
Something happened to my brother: I don’t know what it was, and he won’t talk about it. When I left for college, my brother “Tucker” was 16. He was charming, fun, had lots of friends and a string of girlfriends. Tucker played varsity sports and got good grades.
A little bit of a troublemaker but really fun.
I didn’t come home much that year. I didn’t really pay attention until he came to visit me late the next year. Tucker was withdrawn, couldn’t talk with people, and he seemed to have lost a lot of body mass. Everything seemed off. With all the tact of a 20-year-old sibling, I asked him point blank what was wrong with him and he angrily went home early.
I brought it up with my parents, but they’ve always been very hands off and he was already 18. In college, Tucker got worse. He soared academically, but all his easy charm was gone. He wasn’t active, barely eating, and seemed to turn away from anything that might be fun. Even academics didn’t seem to be enjoyable for him. His then-girlfriend drunkenly told me (I didn’t ask) that he was super weird around sex and acted like they should stop if they were both enjoying it or felt guilty if he came. Massively TMI but also slightly worrying in context. I pushed him to get a depression screening, but campus health said he was fine.
He’s now 27 and in a postdoc job with actually decent pay. He refuses to get a mattress for his apartment, or a warm coat, and acts like anything that might make him comfortable or happy is dirty or weak. He’s been hospitalized twice this year for malnutrition-related issues. During his Ph.D. program, he cut out alcohol, then refined sugar, then all but essential sodium. Everything had to be organic, and he continues to narrow his eating to this day around legitimate ethical qualms but also anything enjoyable. It worries me that the hospital visits didn’t make any changes.
He briefly took up a casual team sport but quit when he was, in his words “enjoying it too much.” He doesn’t seem to have friendships. Something’s wrong, and it’s making him so unhappy, but I have no idea what or how to help. He’s an adult, but no one else is doing anything to help, and I feel guilty for not pushing harder when he was 18.