Dear Prudence,
I’m 37 years old and have lived quite a dynamic life. At 17, I had a traumatic brain injury and was in a coma for a week following a car accident. I spent my 20s in higher education and earned a PhD. I’ve dated, worked, partied hard, and traveled to many countries. At 32, I found out that I have a different biological father than my dad who raised me and my siblings. In sum, I’m not fazed by much. Two years ago, I moved in with my mother after an unplanned pregnancy. My toddler’s father, who was clear about not wanting a relationship since we met, is an excellent father. I make over $100,000 a year in my career and he makes between $20,000 to $30,000 as a personal trainer and Uber driver. I have been paying a nanny $400 per week to watch our son Monday/Wednesday/Friday, and my co-parent watches him on Tuesday/Thursday while I work. Soon my co-parent will start watching him all five days so that I will be able to afford my mortgage.
I am the custodial parent. He contributes financially when he is able to do so, but not reliably or consistently. The thing is, I never imagined that I would be unmarried and alone at 37, with a 2-year-old. My son’s father has encouraged me to date, but it’s been nearly impossible given my schedule and current responsibilities. I don’t mind being alone, but I prefer to have a partner. I often feel rage when I think about my co-parent, which is not an emotion I experienced much prior to giving birth. I see him almost every day. Up until two weeks ago, we were having sex but now he said he won’t have sex with me because I “deserve someone who will give you all of themself.” I frequently express to him that I feel like he has ruined my life by not even trying to have a relationship with me. I know I am worthy of someone who will value me, but I feel rejected and undesirable.
I’ve been in therapy, but our relationship is increasingly acrimonious. I know life isn’t fair, but I’m struggling to move forward. I wish I could tell him I don’t want to see him as often, but he helps me a lot with household responsibilities and our son. Our son is also equally attached to us and I don’t want to limit when he gets to see his dad. Because I work 40 to 50 hours a week, the time that I’m not working, I want to spend with my son, not out with some man who I may or may not see again. At night, after my son is asleep, I start to feel depressed and angry and my thoughts start down a negative spiral (e.g., Why am I the one to sacrifice the outlet of sexual intimacy because of the responsibilities I bear as the custodial parent? Why am I expected to forgo a basic human need as the parent providing financial stability that sustains our child’s life?). I feel guilty that I am not the best version of myself for my son, angry that my co-parent doesn’t want a relationship, resentful that I am the custodial parent and breadwinner, and furious with myself for creating the circumstances I find myself in. I want to feel joy instead of sadness, and gratitude rather than discontent. How do I get there?
—Salty Single Mom Stuck In Coparent Blame Game