Dear Prudence,
I hate the state I am living in. I got stuck here after my divorce and even stayed after my son and daughter went off to school. A while back, I started a long-distance relationship with an old friend in my hometown (two of my sisters and my elderly parents live there). My daughter was midway through college and hated if I even mentioned visiting or maybe renting out the house and moving back. She refused to meet my partner the several times he has visited me. She accused me of being a horrible mother and abandoning her and our life here.
The problem is, this isn’t my life anymore. My son is abroad and my daughter comes over when she needs laundry done or has a fight with one of many boyfriends. These days, I am a stopgap in her social life, and because I am her mother, it means mine has to stop altogether. In many ways, she reminds me more and more of her father. My ex was a textbook narcissist and never had empathy for anyone. This year, my daughter had an affair with her friend’s fiancé and got fired for stealing at work.
She lived at home for four months and never once accepted any blame for her actions. She turns 25 in the spring. The holidays were the worst after both my parents and my sister had their health turn for the worse. I spent so much time at airports that it haunts my nightmares. At work, an opening came up to relocate back to my home state. I applied and got accepted. My daughter had moved in with her new boyfriend, and when I told her that I would be selling the house and moving home, she threw yet another fit.
I didn’t back down this time. I told her that I loved her and I was her mother, but that fact didn’t give her the right to dictate my life. She accused me of choosing a man over my own daughter. I told her that I didn’t like many of her boyfriends but never told her that she was choosing a man over her mother, because that would be grossly unfair! I told her she could always move back home with me and start over or live with her dad and his fourth wife.
Well, my daughter threw her hot coffee at my feet and it shattered. I wasn’t physically hurt, but emotionally and mentally it shattered me. I asked my daughter to leave. Now she has blocked me on everything and the same with her brother when he tried to talk to her. I am numb all the way to my bones. I keep going through the motions and I will be moving in March. I am still terrified of losing my daughter. What do I do?