Dear Prudence,
My partner and I are in a group of friends who all live in different states. We’re all in our early 20s and don’t make a lot of money, so we don’t see each other often, although we video call regularly.
One of our friends, whom I’ll call Sam, is suffering from severe self-worth and mental health issues. Sam is also unemployed and doesn’t leave the house much, so they are often lonely. All of us have independently suggested different part-time jobs or ways to get Sam out of the house, but they always say they can’t do those things because of their mental health or poor finances.
Sam and I call each other semi-frequently, and every time I ask a question like “What’s new with you?” or “How were your holidays?” Sam will just reply, “Nothing.” I’ll try to keep the conversation going by mentioning things I know Sam likes or what I’ve been doing lately, but Sam almost always latches onto a very minor point in what I’m saying and begins arguing with me. These arguments are never serious, but it’s taxing to argue with Sam whenever we call, and I often hang up the phone feeling frustrated and exhausted.
Before all of this, Sam would frequently ask me if they had done something wrong and claim that our whole group wants to stop talking to them because they were so “annoying.” This is not true, but the constant doubt is putting strain on our relationship. I want to be honest with Sam about how I feel, but I’m worried that if I try to bring up any issues with them, they’ll take it as an affirmation of their fears that all of their friends secretly hate them.