Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband and I have been married for 19 years and have two elementary school–age kids. For most of our marriage, his work hours were longer than mine—50 hours a week for him, 30 for me. I made things equitable by picking up 90 percent of the domestic labor: I do the household errands, cleaning, school drop-offs, etc., which easily add up to 20 hours a week. But my husband has recently come into an inheritance (wealthy aunts do exist) that would allow him to retire from a tough job much earlier than he’d planned. We’d lose some annual income, but I reassured him that less money seemed worth it for the net benefit to our family: He’d be happier, and healthier, and if he’s no longer working, then he could take over some of my regular duties, which would make me happier and healthier too.
To my surprise, his reaction was indignation. He said that after working for three decades, he was tired of having a supervisor and living by a schedule—he wants to spend his retirement days as he pleases, not being beholden to anyone. The vibe was “I might clean a toilet if I feel like it one day, but I’m not going to make any commitments or promises, and if I’d rather go golfing, I’ll go golfing.” …
But some things just require commitments, right? Our 6-year-old doesn’t care whether her parents felt like doing laundry; she just needs to know that her soccer uniform will be clean on Tuesday. Or: While driving home from my office, do I cross my fingers that my husband felt inspired to shop for and cook dinner rather than golf today? If he didn’t, do I scramble to put something together while seething because I know that I’m still working and doing most of the domestic labor, while he’s retired and lounging around all day? I need to know my next step, because this current path is already making both of us feel resentful.