Dear Prudence,
What does a person do when the personality of their spouse changes significantly? I’ve been with my husband for 12 years. Prior to meeting him, he endured a number of traumas, including surviving a school shooting, physical abuse and emotional neglect from his parents, and watching friends overdose. He has PTSD and is neurodivergent (ADHD).
Long story short, he used to self-medicate with caffeine and nicotine, and four years ago he was diagnosed with neurological sleep apnea. His new prescription meds have in some ways been wonderful, letting him focus and achieve a ton during the day. They did make him more irritable, but after talking with him about it, he seemed to keep that in check.
Then about a year ago, something changed.
His irritability is off the charts, especially with me. At least a few times per month, he will get so upset over something that he goes off on hours-long rants or we have a back and forth that goes in circles. It’s like his brain is in overdrive, and nothing I do to calm things down will help. (I’m trained in conflict management and have had therapy to deal with a verbally abusive parent. I know how to set and manage boundaries, and how to effectively communicate. At least, I thought I did!)
For months, he would beat me down with words, talking over and interrupting me, even insulting me or calling me names, dismissing my input or thoughts. He claims “he’s just talking” and never means it personally. But his volume raises, his tone becomes angry and dismissive, and he stops looking for productive solutions, even getting angry when I try to suggest any or ask “ok so what can we DO, let’s look for solutions.” We did six months of couples counseling, and it didn’t make a huge dent. I’ve had to learn to shut down the name calling and demeaning words, but the anger episodes continue.
Prudie, I’m nearing the end of my rope. My nervous system is frayed, I’m constantly on edge, I never know when something I will say or do will bring up the next anger episode. On days when he skips or forgets his meds, he is back to the husband I married! I’ve mentioned this, and he gets so upset. He says “well, I’m not going to go off the meds, so get used to this new person,” and says that when he skips meds he is suffering inside. I believe him, and I don’t want him to quit his meds, I just need him to acknowledge that this situation is untenable and we need a real solution.
We used to hear each other out, solving problems together, and for a decade it worked. Or at least I thought it did. Now, he claims that he wasn’t really happy and internally he was feeling what he is now outwardly saying. This breaks my heart. Was he always so unhappy with how I am? Why marry me? And have I lived a lie for a decade that I thought was a true love romance? It makes me so sick to my stomach. What can I do next? I’ve considered a separation or divorce, but I’m so scared that this anger will turn on our kids without me there.