Dear Prudence,
I grew up in a tumultuous household with volatile parents. Both had substance abuse problems, and my mother suffered from severe depression. As a young girl (I’m now 41), I failed out of a prestigious college due to undiagnosed mental health issues, alcoholism, general immaturity, and irresponsibility. After my father died in 2020 and left me a little bit of money, I decided to return to school full time. I also had a daughter, Betty, during this period, who is now almost 3.
I started out at a community college and then transferred to an Ivy with a program for non-traditional students. I will be graduating (I think with honors) and plan to walk with the class of 2025 spring. This is a big deal to me—I carried around a lot of shame about my academic failures for a long time, and I’m proud of this second act I’ve undertaken.
My question is about whether or not to invite my mother to the graduation ceremony. I hate to admit it, but we are semi-estranged at the moment. She has a pattern of not showing up to things. For example, my sister had a bachelorette party in Vegas when Betty was 7 months old, and I had to leave Betty for several days for the first time. I asked my mother to come to NYC to help Betty’s father, and she agreed (she does not have a steady job and generally enjoys traveling). However, as the day approached, she began postponing her trip, insisting for several days that she would be “on the next flight.” Ultimately, she did not show up at all, and I had to scramble to find a sitter to help Betty’s father while I was gone.
She has repeated this behavior several times over the past couple of years, with the final straw being this last Christmas. She was supposed to come spend Christmas with Betty, my sister, and me, but did not show up. Several days after she was supposed to arrive, she asked if she could still come, and I said no. She then flipped the script on me and said she was “heartbroken.” I told her she’d had three days to show up, and if her heart was broken she’d done it to herself.
She sent me a New Year’s text saying she loved Betty and me, and I didn’t respond. We haven’t spoken since.
Initially, I thought her reluctance to come see me and/or Betty was maybe rooted in anxiety and depression. She has been to treatment for trauma twice over the last few years, mainly to deal with the significant abuse she suffered at the hands of my father and her own mother. However, she doesn’t seem to have a problem traveling otherwise— she frequently flies overseas and goes on cruises with her fiancé. I am hurt and confused by her apparent lack of interest in my life and her granddaughter.
That said, part of me wants to mend the relationship so Betty can get to know her and have a connection to her roots. I feel like an invite to my upcoming graduation could be an olive branch. But I’m also afraid I’d be setting myself up for further disappointment. If she doesn’t come, I will still be supported by my sisters and friends. But I think the kid in me still wants her to be there.
Please tell me what you think!
—Old School