Dear Prudence,
My girlfriend, “Daphne,” and I moved in together six months ago. We’ve been together a little over two years. Daphne has a dog that is paralyzed in his back legs, and as a result, he has to wear a diaper, has to be exercised to keep his front legs in shape, and requires various medicines that need to be administered at least twice a day.
If Daphne was going to be away, either her sister or a local pet sitter who is good with dogs with medical needs would care for the dog. Prior to us moving in, there was one time Daphne asked me to watch the dog while she went away for a long weekend because her sister wasn’t available, and the pet sitter had to cancel due to a last-minute emergency. I felt bad and agreed, but when Daphne got back, I made it very clear that I would not do that again. It was A LOT of work. Before moving in together, I had a conversation with Daphne to make sure that she understood that us doing so would not mean I would take responsibility for the dog (I don’t mind basic care, like feeding him and making sure his water bowl is filled, and even occasionally giving him his medicine if Daphne is going out to dinner/has a work event/etc.). She said she understood.
Well, last week, Daphne brought up that one of her friends would be traveling for work in a couple of months, and the friend’s job was putting her up in a company-owned house for three weeks. The friend invited Daphne, and a couple of their other friends to come out and stay at the house any time during those weeks. Unfortunately, both Daphne’s sister and the pet sitter are unavailable on the days Daphne would be able to go. So, she asked me if I could care for the dog. I told her no, and reminded her of our conversation. She immediately became furious and told me how unreasonable and selfish I was being. I was quite taken aback—not only because I had made my position very clear before we moved in, but because Daphne and I have always had good communication, and have been able to talk through our issues. So for her to escalate so quickly was very surprising. I didn’t really know how to respond, so I asked her if there was something else going on that she wanted to discuss. She just reiterated that I was being unfair, and then actually said she didn’t think she could be with someone so selfish. I told her I was sorry she felt that way, but I wasn’t changing my mind, and that if there was a deeper issue driving this, we should talk about it.
That was three days ago, and she’s barely spoken to me. I have no idea what to do. I sense there has to be something else on her mind, but I don’t know how to get her to talk about it. On the flip side, perhaps selfishly, I don’t know how long I’m supposed to just put up with this bitter space between us. Please help!
—Is it Me? Or the Dog?