Alone time is good, talk to her

Casadena · February 27

Dear Prudence,

My girlfriend calls herself an introvert, but I think it’s more accurate to say she’s an extrovert who hates the company of pretty much everyone but me. Because of this, all of her extroverted energy is directed toward me. I’m extremely introverted and need alone time to decompress, which she doesn’t understand and takes as a personal rejection. We moved in together this past summer, and we’re both teachers in the same school district, so there are no times when she’s at work and I’m at home. So there are no breaks from the togetherness and interaction. Shopping trips, yard work, and meetups with friends are all couples activities.

I’ve tried to gently suggest that my need for a few hours to read, listen to music, or whatever in an empty house is not a rejection of her, but it’s just not getting through. I’ve tried to push her to go out with friends alone, but she claims to dislike them and their vibes. She’s a wonderful person in every other way and I genuinely love her, and it seems weird to consider breaking up over this, but the thought of 50 or more years of this makes my anxiety spiral out of control. Is there a solution I’m missing?

—Please Leave Me Be

MyNameIsNot · February 27

Ugh, this is the thing where people don't understand intro/extrovert and use them as shorthand for outgoing and popular versus reserved. You can get energy from interacting with others without having a lot of friends or enjoying spending time in large gatherings.

But it's really ok to have a conversation and explain that you need some alone time every day and discuss what that looks like. It's also ok for her to want to interact with her partner daily.

levioosa · February 27

My SIL and I constantly have this argument where I mention my introversion and she says, "but you're so outgoing and you talk to people!" Yeah, and I feel like I got run over by a truck afterwards. I literally despise new social interactions. I get home from work sometimes and sit in my car for an hour alone because I'm too overstimulated and socialized out.

Casadena · February 27

I feel for the gf a bit. Obviously most people need alone time - but it is hard for me to not feel a bit wounded when H will sometimes hole up in the garage or the basement for the majority of the time we could spend together in a week. I'm not mad that he's doing it, just feeling neglected. So I guess my immediate question for the LW would be, are you spending quality time together? OR just commuting/work/sleeping? Because that's not the same thing. I would suggest carving out specific times during the week for together time/vs alone time and try that schedule for a bit.

banana468 · February 27

I have this w/ DH.

The man both
1) Loves to play a video game and
2) escapes to the basement when he's not feeling great because I think he can enter an escape where he's so engaged he's not hearing kid screams or thinking about his anxiety
3) He needs his alone time.

But it's also a source of an issue and sometimes I have to push that he also needs to do things not alone.

charlotte989875 · February 28

I think there’s a big difference between needing 45 minutes or an hour to decompress after work to not engaging with you partner you live with for hours every day. The former is reasonable the later isn’t. If you need that much daily alone time you probably should be living alone at this point.

Alone time is good, talk to her

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