You want to kick him out because they're fat?

Casadena · February 27

Dear Prudence,

My 25-year-old kid, “Alex,” lives with me. Alex is a talented visual artist and my ex-husband and I have all supported their endeavors in that regard, including some significant financial sacrifices. Alex seems to be suffering from the classic case of failure to launch, but that isn’t really why I’m writing. My issue is with Alex is lack of ability to care for their health. I believe they have an unaddressed eating disorder. Alex was a skinny child, and in their last two years of high school, carried around just a few extra pounds, but was active and had good eating habits. Alex was in their second year of college when COVID hit. Around that time, Alex started on antidepressants, and fell and cracked their pelvis. They were suddenly stuck alone in a three-story walk up having food and groceries delivered. They put on 100 pounds in three months. I don’t talk to Alex about the weight. I believe Alex lies to their doctor about their eating habits and hasn’t been honest about their overeating.

Now that Alex has moved back in with me, as a mother, I’m finding it becoming impossible to watch them eat less than one vegetable a day, and make many, many other poor food choices that their long-term health is going to pay for in major ways. It isn’t even really the weight I’m worried about, at least not so much as the fact that Alexis barreling toward major health issues, including adult diabetes, for which there is much precedent on both sides of the family. The final straw for me came yesterday when I told them I was getting a non-prescription blood sugar monitor for myself and offered to get one for them. They shut me down hard and fast so I know I touched a nerve. I want to kick them out of the house for my own sanity. It is too hard for me to watch. I do see signs of maturity kicking in ever since they got their first job six months ago, so maybe it’s time. Am I wrong to kick them out? How do I do that?

—Body Conscious

MyNameIsNot · February 27

"I just don't like you any more now that you're fat. You need to move out."

Just be fucking honest.

ei34 · February 27

Wow. Yeah I'm desperate to know if LW would be writing this letter if Alex weighed less. Totally gross. Mid-20s is the new 20, especially in an economy like this. (Maybe it's just me in a HCOL area, but most of my co-workers in their 20s live at home with their parents, at least until 28-29.)

If Alex has been working full time for the past six months and is otherwise being a good housemate for lack of a better word (not leaving messes, etc), this is not a case of failure to launch.

levioosa · February 27

So your depressed son fell, broke his pelvis (like he fell from ground level or he fell down some stairs, I have questions) and then because he was immobile he gained weight. He has a job and is working full time and instead of actually being helpful (like, say, helping cook) or having a direct conversation and then dropping it, instead you resort to passive aggressive hints and are writing to Prudie to ask how to kick him out? Ooh.

downtondiva · February 28

It sounds like Alex is doing a lot of stress/emotional eating, and likely has lingering effects of the pelvis fracture that make it difficult to move and even more difficult to exercise. If you really cared that much about your kid, you'd have a direct but gentle conversation with them and find out if they need some help that they aren't getting.

But it sounds to me like you're just grossed out by your own child and don't want to be around them while they're overweight and eating too much, because how is kicking them out of your home going to solve their issues? If anything, they might get even worse!

CharmedPam · February 28

Oh, I didn’t know my mom knew this column existed?

While I’m on LW’s side about health issues and awareness, Alex, and only Alex can make these changes. I also don’t think buying a glucose monitor is out of line either?

charlotte989875 · February 28

So your kid went through college remotely, had depression, had a massive injury and you think isolating them again is going to help?

short+sassy · March 10

levioosa said:

So your depressed son fell, broke his pelvis (like he fell from ground level or he fell down some stairs, I have questions) and then because he was immobile he gained weight. He has a job and is working full time and instead of actually being helpful (like, say, helping cook) or having a direct conversation and then dropping it, instead you resort to passive aggressive hints and are writing to Prudie to ask how to kick him out? Ooh.

They also started on anti-depressants around that same time. Assuming it's an SSRI, a side effect of those medications can be weight gain. Not the only or main thing going on, but it's another factor the OP should be more considerate of.

I think it's a lot weirder that the mother offered to buy their non-diabetic child a glucometer, than if she had just had a sensitive conversation with them. I can see where weird got interpreted as offensive, by Alex. I'd be pissed off if someone wanted to buy me unnecessary medication or medical equipment also. Yet that was her "last straw" (eyeroll).

It sounds like Alex is regularly being seen by a doctor. If the doctor is worried about T2 diabetes because of Alex's weight and genetic predisposition, then I assume they are occasionally running an A1c test. The OP really overstepped.

I know eating habits and rapid weight gain are sensitive subjects, but I feel like one conversation about it is appropriate coming from a close family member. But it needs to come from a place of tact and concern for someone's health, without judgment. Like being understanding about all the medical challenges Alex faced at once. Is their injury still bothering them? How has their mental health been? That they noticed the injury has caused them to pick up bad eating habits. Are they open to having help with that. Alex will probably shut it down. But it opens the door and gives the OP an opportunity to let their child know they are there to support them with their struggles, either now or in the future. Then she needs to DROP IT, unless Alex wants help or initiates a conversation down the road.

But the OP needs to be ready to be supportive. Even if Alex isn't ready to make any changes right now. They're an adult. They know the dangers of an unhealthy diet. But the motivation to change needs to come from within themselves. If they are still struggling to control their depression, trying to also make a major change to their eating habits could be especially more difficult.

You want to kick him out because they're fat?

Re: You want to kick him out because they're fat?

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