My spouse and I have been together for 28 years, we’re in our late 40s, and we have two kids (15 and 18). I thought our relationship had a “normal” level of conflict, with the usual highs and lows that every couple faces. Three years ago, while on vacation, we had a disagreement on something minor that resulted in my partner blowing up and then ignoring me and the kids for a week. When he decided to end the silent treatment, it was to announce (in front of the kids) that he was moving out.
Fast forward three years and he still haven’t left—although he’s asked for a separation/divorce three other times all preceded by days/weeks of the silent treatment. Every time, I agreed to his request, but when it comes down to working out the details, he refuses to engage in meaningful discussions/decisions (on money, custody, etc.). We talk in circle for hours straight (like 8+ hours) and then when his anger subsides, we both make concessions to try and be better parents/partners. The last two times, I suggested that we go to couples counselling, but it never happens. He initially agrees but then later insists that counselling won’t help, doesn’t work, or isn’t required anymore.
Frustrated with the recurring cycles, I started individual counselling and during my third session, the counsellor looked at me and stated, “You know you’re in a wildly abusive relationship, right?” I was shocked because the term “abuse” wasn’t on my radar. I thought that we have different parenting/communication styles, and we just needed some tools to help us deal with our conflicts better.
This happened a week ago and I feel almost numb. Am I in an abusive relationship? I worry that the info I gave the counsellor was too one-sided and unfair to my partner. I worry about what this means about me as a parent. How could I be in an abusive relationship, and subjected my kids to the same abuse, for years and not realize it? I feel lost and embarrassed, and I don’t know what to do next. I can’t seem to bring myself to schedule a fourth session. Am I in denial?