Dear Prudence,
My girlfriend and I have been together for a year and a half and just moved in together. It is a little sooner than I would have ever expected to move in with a significant other, but we were both paying a lot in rent and spent so much time at each other’s places it just made sense. However, I just learned something about her that I’m worried might be a deal breaker … and it’s about something as seemingly frivolous as light bulbs!
Early on when we were dating, I realized when she came over to my apartment that she had a strong aversion to overhead lighting and preferred having them off in favor of using floor and table lamps with softer lighting like she used in her own apartment. I thought this was just a quirk and it didn’t bother me at all—lights to me are either on or off and was something I had rarely thought about. At one point, she even gave me another lamp for my apartment so we didn’t have to use the overhead lights, which we joked about and I even found endearing. I was happy to be dating a woman who is confident and assertive in her preferences.
Fast forward to moving in together—we were able to find a reasonably priced apartment we both liked, which even had minimal overhead lighting, which she loved. There were three built in wall sconces which she said she was fine with, and we signed a one-year lease together. The other day, I came home from work to find her changing the light bulbs in the wall sconces. I asked her what she was doing and she explained that she couldn’t stand the LED lightbulbs in them so was replacing them with incandescent bulbs, and that she had replaced the other LED bulbs in the lamps I brought from my apartment as well. She said she had been “hoarding” warm toned incandescent bulbs ever since Biden announced a ban on them in 2023 and that even though she hates Trump she’s actually excited about him rolling back regulations on lightbulbs.
Here’s the thing: We met canvassing for a liberal candidate for a local office and have not had any political disagreements up until this point, so I was shocked—she describes herself as an environmentalist and liberal so I was completely baffled. I took a walk to process and when we talked about it that night, I told her how I felt and explained the environmental impacts of incandescent bulbs versus LEDs. In response, she argued that individual consumer choices are of less importance than wider systemic change, and that LED lights (even the warmer toned ones I was using) trigger her migraines and might have other health effects we’re not aware of.
She also told me that she was willing to pay a larger share of the electric bill if I was concerned about the financial impacts of this choice. This is not an issue for me at all, and she has never said anything about having migraines before. I don’t want to accuse her of lying, but I do think she is being a hypocrite—she is pretty vocal about her political leanings and does not even seem to be concerned or ashamed about her preference for incandescent bulbs.
I do care deeply about the importance of sustainability, but I’m more concerned about my girlfriend revealing a side of her I haven’t seen before, and I don’t know if I can move past what I would consider to be her hypocrisy and refusal to compromise. She is accusing me of disregarding her health, and I’m at a loss as to how to move forward. Since the wall sconces came with the apartment, I’m considering contacting the landlord to see if there is anything in writing about their requirements for lightbulbs in the building so I have some leverage to try and sway her. Any other ideas? This seems like a ridiculous reason to break up with her, but I also think her attitude about this is ridiculous and reveals a lot about her character. Please help!
—Seeing Her in a New Light