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Wedding Woes

Ugh, hits close to home! I need the advice too

Dear Prudence, 

My husband, who is 42, basically has no friends. He has one or two guys he’s been friends with for years but rarely sees except maybe once or twice a year. He has a very social job so he knows lots of people in our community but doesn’t actually make an effort to connect with people outside of work. He complains about never having anyone to do anything with.

I, on the other hand, have a handful of good friends, that I make a genuine effort to see frequently. Think coffee dates before work, late evening walks, and the occasional brunch or workout class. We have two small children so it’s always a balancing act to find a couple of solo hours but I make it very clear that if he wants to take a day to go fishing or play golf, he is absolutely welcome to and I’ll take the kids for the day so he can get out and have some fun. He very rarely takes me up on it, but I can practically feel the resentment shimmering off his skin when I tell him that I’d like to make my next set of plans. How do we find balance here?

—Happy, Social Wifey

Re: Ugh, hits close to home! I need the advice too

  • Casadena said:

    Dear Prudence, 

    My husband, who is 42, basically has no friends. He has one or two guys he’s been friends with for years but rarely sees except maybe once or twice a year. He has a very social job so he knows lots of people in our community but doesn’t actually make an effort to connect with people outside of work. He complains about never having anyone to do anything with.

    I, on the other hand, have a handful of good friends, that I make a genuine effort to see frequently. Think coffee dates before work, late evening walks, and the occasional brunch or workout class. We have two small children so it’s always a balancing act to find a couple of solo hours but I make it very clear that if he wants to take a day to go fishing or play golf, he is absolutely welcome to and I’ll take the kids for the day so he can get out and have some fun. He very rarely takes me up on it, but I can practically feel the resentment shimmering off his skin when I tell him that I’d like to make my next set of plans. How do we find balance here?

    —Happy, Social Wifey


    I had this issue with exH.  And with K, actually.  It's something I've noticed in my patterns of attraction.  I have some thoughts/ideas about how I play into this.  Again, it's why I say, only half-joking, me being attracted to you romantically is the red flag.

    Honestly?  He's a whole grown ass man, he can reach out and make friends.  If he doesn't, that's his problem, not yours.  OP even has it in her letter, he doesn't make an effort, she does...both her friends AND him.  This is an emotional labor/intelligence problem for him, not her.  OP should go on with herself and ignore his resentment.

  • VarunaTT said:


    I had this issue with exH.  And with K, actually.  It's something I've noticed in my patterns of attraction.  I have some thoughts/ideas about how I play into this.  Again, it's why I say, only half-joking, me being attracted to you romantically is the red flag.

    Honestly?  He's a whole grown ass man, he can reach out and make friends.  If he doesn't, that's his problem, not yours.  OP even has it in her letter, he doesn't make an effort, she does...both her friends AND him.  This is an emotional labor/intelligence problem for him, not her.  OP should go on with herself and ignore his resentment.

    I'm sure this isn't true for you, but I like the phrase and had a good laugh!

    Like Charlie Chaplain's famous quote, "...I just don't want to belong to any club that would have me as a member."

    I agree the LW needs to stop taking on his problem and feeling guilty that she has a good group of friends.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • H had the realization after J was born that he had to actually plan things with his friends if he wanted to see them. He would always go if someone else was arranging things but he never took any initiative. Well now with 2 kids it’s a lot harder to drop things and go out day drinking so he has made the effort to actually set up plans. 
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