Be a shoulder, but you can't give more money
Dear Prudence,
A big reason why I divorced my wife was her unrelenting, unreasonable need to support every single claimed relative back in the old country. When we visited, I was barely allowed to bring extra underwear because all our luggage was crammed with gifts. I hated it—I would have third or fourth cousins screaming in my face that they wanted brand new iPhone and Air Jordans and we better pony up even more money. I understand the country is very impoverished, but I never felt more like a sheep getting sheared. We were raising three kids in a two-bedroom townhouse and sharing a car as old as our oldest and my ex would be sending money to build yet another house for some random relative. I hit my breaking point after getting a second job in order to save money for getting braces for our girls and maybe make another bedroom for our son. My ex raided it and sent the majority back to support a local church that one of her cousins attended.
We got divorced, and since our girls turned 18 last year, the child support has ended. My ex lost her job and the house has a cracked foundation and water damage, but she is still sending thousands a month back to her relatives. My girls both dropped out of school and are working full time in retail. They give their mother their entire paycheck and they coming to call on me for more money. I am already covering their car and medical insurance, but it kills me when they call me crying because the light bill hasn’t been paid again. My girls refuse to consider moving out and leaving their mom. I have begged, pleaded, and bargained with them, nothing works. I am disgusted and disappointed about how my ex is leeching off our kids like she did me in our marriage. I don’t know what to do, just this situation is not sustainable.
Re: Be a shoulder, but you can't give more money
IMO, the point of sending $ home and to support your family in impoverished areas is when YOU are doing well and able to pay it forward.
But when you spent so much on your extended family that your aren't supporting your nuclear household your priorities are monumentally out of whack. And based on the ages Mom may not see it but they need to be taught to break the cycle and maybe there's hope.
The fund to help the daughters is nice but I'm not even sure how it would work if they are still funding mom.
I understand why it's hard for the LW to see his daughters suffering, but he's doing the right thing. It sounds like he would welcome them with open arms to live with him. They are choosing not to, even though they could still give their mom all their money while at least living a more comfortable life for themselves.
That woman really pulled a number on them. It would be great if the LW could convince them to go to therapy. They are in such a toxic situation but aren't even seeing it yet.