Be clear about your limits
Dear Prudence,
My parents could be generously described as difficult. They don’t get along well with most people or each other. When I was a kid, they argued constantly and had the kind of pointless fights with neighbors, coaches, and other parents that isolated me socially. I had to unlearn a lot of that behavior to be a functional adult. Who cares if the uniforms are green or blue, if the grass isn’t mowed to the property line, or if one of my friends had a haircut my dad hated? I was relieved and grateful when they moved into an adult community with a continuum of care at 71. It took the heaviest part of the future elder care burden off of me. I love them but they would hate anything I picked, and also I live several states away.
Recently, they each called me to bitterly announce they were divorcing. I responded neutrally until I found out that they were pretty sure splitting assets would mean they couldn’t afford two places in the community. My mom strongly hinted that she wanted to move in with me and my family, which I can’t do if I want to stay married or sane. My dad is insisting he wants to move independently into a regular condo. But he can’t afford the housing, he’ll probably die before he gets a spot on the low-income waitlist, and he’s been getting some health care in the current place, which he somehow thinks he just won’t need. He’s also heavily pushed for me to provide help to solve this. I’m trying to be compassionate and recognize that they’re adults who want and need independence, and that they might truly be happier apart. I don’t want them to make this my problem to solve though, since I love them best from far away. What can I do?
—Only Child
Re: Be clear about your limits
The way the LW states this the LW isn't just married but has kids. So be clear that your obligation is to your family in your home and no additional inhabitants are going to be added because they decided as senior citizens to end their marriage.
They aren't going to like it. But you know that setting up the boundary now is what is needed.
you make it not your problem to solve by not offering to solve it for them. If they drop hints again call it out. Say that you heard the hints and suggestions but moving in isn’t possible.
Notwithstanding the fact that my dad is kind of an ass, that's how I'd respond here. This is not LW's problem to solve, and she need to make it clear that she won't be part of the solution.