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Eulogy is not a requirement

CasadenaCasadena member
Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

My mother passed away two weeks ago. To those outside our immediate family, she was this sweet, wonderful woman who people thought the world of. Behind closed doors, she was a mercurial tyrant who had everyone walking on eggshells to avoid triggering her wrath, terrorized me, and drove my younger sister to an eating disorder while our father coped with alcohol.

The problem I am facing is twofold: I will be forced to interact with person after person while stewing in silent outrage with a fake smile plastered on my face as they offer condolences for my “loss” and listen to all of the positive things people will be telling me about my mother knowing they are untrue. It has also fallen to me to deliver the eulogy. I have absolutely NO idea how to pull this off—I refuse to invent virtues this woman didn’t have. My dad is not capable of doing it, and my sister would have a panic attack. I am miserable at the prospect of writing a hagiography for my abuser. How do I handle this?

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Re: Eulogy is not a requirement

  • downtondivadowntondiva member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    Eulogies are not mandatory at funerals. If none of you feel up to it, then none of you should give one. This is going to be tough enough on you, so don't add to it, and if anyone questions why there was no eulogy, you can always make the excuse that it was just too emotionally difficult (which is the truth).
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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Talk to the person handling the ceremony privately.  Tell the person that you are simply not equipped or comfortable delivering a eulogy.  

    Or if you feel that is not an appropriate solution, cite your feelings as too new to give more than a few words.  The father and sister can know you're speaking the truth while the rest will know that you're being coy.  DH's grandmother was a hard lady to deal with and words were still said that were positive.  If you truly feel it's not possible to deliver anything positive then white lie your way out of it.

    And simply say, "Thank you so much for your condolences."  Those who were not aware enough of the issues your mother caused don't need to find out about them in her death.  If you're having a public event then practice the non-response.
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  • levioosalevioosa member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    In a bizarre twist of fate I ended up working with someone who knew my late grandmother. I have an unusual last name. One day my coworker asked me about it. “Are you related to X?” Oh yes, I said, that’s my Grandmother. She told me how happy she was to hear that. She and her mother had taken sewing classes from my Grandmother and she was just the most wonderful sweet woman. Little did she know what a monster that woman was. Even within the sewing class, she showered her favorites with compliments and privately bullied other students to tears. I smiled and nodded and told her I was glad to hear she’d had a good time. I had done a lot of work over years to basically give zero shits about her, but it was still annoying to hear how great she was. I definitely couldn’t have done a eulogy saying she was wonderful. My dad’s eulogy was absolutely scathing but he changed it at the very last second and went off script. Part of me really wanted to watch the chaos if he had been honest but not at the sake of him being hurt by it. Reading it was pretty entertaining though. 


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