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Don't cut off communication

CasadenaCasadena member
Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

I have been divorced for three years, and I have a 10-year-old and 7-year-old. My ex and I share equal custody, and I never thought she would play games like this using our kids. I have only been dating casually until I met “Emily.” We are talking about marriage, and after I informed my ex, she changed.

Now she can’t bear not hearing from our kids every single night I have them. She has to video chat with them for up to an hour every night and uses guilt tactics against our kids. I essentially feel like she has invaded my home, especially with Emily over. We have no privacy, and my ex tells the kids to show her the house when she calls. It is the same one I have owned since the divorce. If I take away their devices and tell my kids they will see their mom in a few days, they get hysterical. My 7-year-old has more meltdowns than they did as a toddler. This has only started since I told my ex about Emily, so it is obvious that she feels threatened and needs to get her claws in. We already had a big issue with her trying to change the custody drop-off from my work to my home, despite it being far away from her own (my work is equally distant from both houses). My ex denies everything, and I can’t afford to take her back to court. I love Emily and my kids. I am ready to start a new chapter in our lives. Emily and the kids got along great until now. I don’t want this issue to screw that up. Help!

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Re: Don't cut off communication

  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    She is attempting to manipulate the scene by occupying more of your time and space with her physical or virtual presence.  

    You're acting threatened and it's working for her.  Your 10 yo is going to grow wise to the shenanigans soon and will also have less time for this anyway if she goes down the path most kids do with activities.  

    Go about your business and do not put things on hold.  That means the kids can have their activities and time with mom but also have your own timing and plans.

    And then ask the kids a bit more (starting with the older one) if they are OK keeping calls shorter, etc.  

    And consider family therapy.  Not talking about their lives changing isn't going to help and they may open up about how things are in their mom's home. 
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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Well I’m judging LW for using “get her claws in” to describe his kids mom because that’s pretty derogatory. 

    That’s got to be frustrating, but cutting off their contact with their mom isn’t going to help. Set expectations with them “we can have phone calls and device from 5-7pm then it’s dinner and phone free time”. Help them with how to say goodnight to mom. Their lives are changing- focus on how to support them rather than cutting off contact with her. Yes she’s being ridiculous by asking to see the house, but ultimately is that the hill to die on? 
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