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Casadena · June 12

Dear Prudence,

Thanks to DNA testing, my fiancé and I just learned he has six children by different women. Apparently, he used to be fairly active on the sex club/party scene during his college days, and all involved were careless. I am reeling and don’t know if I can handle this. Should I get out while I can?

—Blindsided

banana468 · June 12

He JUST learned??

This isn't adding up. How old are these kids? Are they finding them on Ancestry.com and these are only the ones who did the testing? Are these child support payments he didn't disclose?

SIX is a lot. It's not passing the smell test for me that he had no idea and that HE just learned this.

MyNameIsNot · June 12

Oof, I would. One I could figure out how to deal with, but 6?

That means he got with at least 6 different women who thought so little of him that they didn't even bother to tell him they were pregnant. Yikes.

ei34 · June 12

I'd back out. Doesn't pass my smell test either that he just found out...about all six of them at once? I think he's done a lot of lying (among other things).

short+sassy · June 12

Those are just the six one-night stands that resulted in a pregnancy.

I'm assuming he did one of those DNA tests and that is how he had six hits at once. Which means there could be even MORE children out there.

I try not to judge people by their past, assuming they have changed and it is a long ago past. But having unprotected sex with (probably) dozens of people and no concern for consequences is too disgusting, irresponsible, and selfish for me to deal with.

At least at the time, he didn't care if he got women pregnant. Because the vast majority of the time in scenarios like that, it's 100% the woman's problem. Some of the women may not have even known how to find him and he knew that.

flantastic · June 12

Do you still want to be involved with him? Seems like you're leaning towards no, which is a good enough reason in itself. You don't owe him marriage.

But yeah, I'd be at least having some conversations about whether or not his judgment calls can now be trusted.

VarunaTT · June 12

I don't like slut-shaming. AND...sex can have consequences if you're careless. I don't necessarily think his judgment now should be in question (my ho phase was a lot of fun and my number is pretty high, but it was always safest sex but that was decades ago now and my decision making is totally different), but do you want to be married to someone who has 6 children with 6 different women that you know of? I'm of the mind that kids are dealbreakers anyway, if they're not already old enough to be out of the house, this is a lot of them.

flantastic · June 12

VarunaTT said:

I don't like slut-shaming. AND...sex can have consequences if you're careless. I don't necessarily think his judgment now should be in question (my ho phase was a lot of fun and my number is pretty high, but it was always safest sex but that was decades ago now and my decision making is totally different), but do you want to be married to someone who has 6 children with 6 different women that you know of? I'm of the mind that kids are dealbreakers anyway, if they're not already old enough to be out of the house, this is a lot of them.

It's the carelessness for me

CharmedPam · June 13

ei34 said:

I'd back out. Doesn't pass my smell test either that he just found out...about all six of them at once? I think he's done a lot of lying (among other things).

Right. Not one baby momma went after him for child support? Out of 6?

Casadena · June 13

I've never been active in sex parties/club scene or whatever - but is it possible that these women didn't even know who the father was? Obviously there was a breakdown in responsibility for BC on all sides if you're participating in a that kind of activity and so many got pregnant. This is not judgement at all and I would still not marry him. But just trying to understand all the perspectives

short+sassy · June 13

Casadena said:

I've never been active in sex parties/club scene or whatever - but is it possible that these women didn't even know who the father was? Obviously there was a breakdown in responsibility for BC on all sides if you're participating in a that kind of activity and so many got pregnant. This is not judgement at all and I would still not marry him. But just trying to understand all the perspectives

That's also very possible and another reason some of the woman may not have tried to find him.

I was friends with and briefly dated a guy who was in a situation like that. He slept with a lot of women over his life. He only practiced safe sex when I knew him, but had not been so careful when he was younger. I thought it was an interesting story.

He grew up in Las Vegas, but was living in Biloxi when I met him. He told me the story about the day he got a knock on the door from the sheriff. It was a summons, originating from Las Vegas, to provide a DNA sample for a paternity suit. He laughed and told the sheriff, "I knew this day would come. I'm surprised it took this long."

He was one of four men who were having their paternity tested for the same child. He ended up being the biological father. The child's mother was a woman he'd had a one-night stand with in high school. It was shortly before graduation and he never knew she was pregnant. She had gotten married within a couple years of that to a wealthy guy. Her husband took care of her and her daughter, so she didn't look for the father.

But then they divorced about 10 years later and she needed financial help. That's when she looked for her daughter's bio dad.

To give my friend credit, he took it in stride and wasn't upset about it. By then, he had a very good living himself and was happy to pay child support so his daughter could go to a top private school. He even sought out a relationship with her, once he knew. He traveled to Las Vegas a few times a year for work anyway. He would make sure to carve out at least one afternoon or evening to spend time with her.

The bio mom was fine with that and glad he wanted to be part of their daughter's life. He said he'd never known the bio mom very well and still didn't. But there had never been animosity between them. She was always pleasant when they spoke and accommodating when he requested a visit.

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