Dear Prudence,
I am a single mother to a wonderful, rambunctious, headstrong 3-year-old daughter. Her father (who displays many narcissistic-like qualities) keeps doing things that are not OK.
For example, recently, he told her he would pick her up at 10 a.m. (on a non-scheduled pick-up day), but did not show up. He finally texted me at noon, stating he had fallen asleep and his phone had died. I had called him at 9:55 a.m. to confirm his arrival, and his phone rang normally. I texted at 10:20 a.m., checking in, and received no response at that time. The whole morning, my daughter kept asking about her dad and if he was going to pick her up. After the fifth time of her asking, I finally told her he was not going to pick her up (at that time, I had not heard from him). She got really quiet. Throughout the day, she acted out more than usual. When he finally decided to reach out (and even showed up at my house), I ignored his texts and calls. Luckily, we were not home when he showed up. I don’t know if that was the right thing to do. I do not want her to think it’s OK to accept such behavior from anyone, even if it is a parent. And I do not want her father to imprint on her that this is the way a man is supposed to treat her in her relationships. How do I help my toddler understand this? How do I deal with this type of behavior?
He does not have court-order visitation rights. He usually takes her once or twice per week just for the day. I don’t allow overnights because he has shown me in previous overnight attempts that he is utterly irresponsible. My daughter usually cries when he picks her up, but calms down within 20 minutes or so, according to her father. If she does not see him “regularly,” she acts up a lot. She does not know what living with him is like since her father and I broke up when I discovered that he cheated. I found out I was pregnant two-and-a-half weeks later. We tried to make things work, but I couldn’t do it. The pregnancy was full of contention and turmoil. My family wasn’t much help either. The “relationship” with him continues to be severely strained. After this last stunt, we have very minimal communication.