Don't, it would be too messy

Re: Don't, it would be too messy

• banana468 member

  

  July 2025

  This sounds WAY too messy - and weird? 
  
  I don't think there's a way to go through that without bias.   
  
  And second to that, I would seriously question what that would do for the two kids and their relationship with their next sibling.  In situations like this, I absolutely think that their mental well being would need to come into play especially at such a vital age of attention as they're on the precipice of adolescence where kids start to just react with extra judgement.
  
  It doesn't mean I don't think the LW and the H need to put building a family on hold but I think that level of complication would be ill advised. 

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• VarunaTT member

  

  July 2025

  I like the idea b/c all of the kids would be full/half siblings. 
  
  LW needs to be more clear on what the "compromising" things are.  There are legal procedures at this point for surrogates, to keep things clean.  However, all of those conversations about adoption, custody, plans if the marriage ends, if John dies, LW"s rights to the child, etc., should be discussed before even picking out a surrogate.  The ex-wife being the rented uterus isn't legally any scary/different than a stranger.
  
  If it's an emotional thing, has LW talked to John?  Or to exwife?  Or to a therapist?  John doesn't have to have actual PV sex with his ex-wife for this baby and if were me, I'd want to provide the biological material for this child, so that I played a part and my child had half siblings.  LW needs to identify what the emotional issue is and see if he can resolve it.  Prudie can't do anything with this.

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• ei34 member

  

  July 2025

  The kids wouldn’t be biologically related if it was LWs sperm and an egg donor’s egg. I understand surrogacy to typically be a woman carries the baby that’s a result of sperm and a different woman’s egg? (But could be wrong…only bc if it’s the woman’s egg and she’s carrying the baby, she’s the mom.)
  Not judging how anyone does it, everyone has their own way, but I could see LW not being comfortable with their child having a bio mom nearby who the older siblings live with but baby doesn’t. 
  

  All things for LW and John to discuss before moving forward. Certainly has to be a situation they’re both comfortable with. 

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• VarunaTT member

  

  July 2025

  ei34 said:

  The kids wouldn’t be biologically related if it was LWs sperm and an egg donor’s egg. I understand surrogacy to typically be a woman carries the baby that’s a result of sperm and a different woman’s egg? (But could be wrong…only bc if it’s the woman’s egg and she’s carrying the baby, she’s the mom.)
  Not judging how anyone does it, everyone has their own way, but I could see LW not being comfortable with their child having a bio mom nearby who the older siblings live with but baby doesn’t. 
  

  All things for LW and John to discuss before moving forward. Certainly has to be a situation they’re both comfortable with. 

  It just depends, b/c there's all sorts of way people have come up with to make their kids related to each other and to them.  I have a lesbian couple, who had the same sperm donor for both kids.  One of the partners carried her egg fertilized with the sperm donor and then she also carried the other woman's egg fertilized with the sperm donor.  "Mom" isn't a biological title.

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• levioosa member

  

  July 2025

  I think therapy would be helpful here. I get the sense that LW can't really identify exactly what part of this is making him uncomfortable. Is it just the societal norms? Is it a fear that you could be cut out as a parent? Do you worry about lingering feelings between the two of them? There are multiple ways to be a family. "Normal" is just a made up construct. Do whatever works for you and your family as long as you're happy and comfortable with it. I do agree that there needs to be some sort of paperwork with custodial agreements, the same way I suggest pre-nups for people getting married. Has nothing to do with your feelings about the other person, but shit does happen. 

  
  

  
  

  

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• ei34 member

  

  July 2025

  VarunaTT said:

  ei34 said:

  The kids wouldn’t be biologically related if it was LWs sperm and an egg donor’s egg. I understand surrogacy to typically be a woman carries the baby that’s a result of sperm and a different woman’s egg? (But could be wrong…only bc if it’s the woman’s egg and she’s carrying the baby, she’s the mom.)
  Not judging how anyone does it, everyone has their own way, but I could see LW not being comfortable with their child having a bio mom nearby who the older siblings live with but baby doesn’t. 
  

  All things for LW and John to discuss before moving forward. Certainly has to be a situation they’re both comfortable with. 

  It just depends, b/c there's all sorts of way people have come up with to make their kids related to each other and to them.  I have a lesbian couple, who had the same sperm donor for both kids.  One of the partners carried her egg fertilized with the sperm donor and then she also carried the other woman's egg fertilized with the sperm donor.  "Mom" isn't a biological title.

  Of course it isn’t always a biological title. But I think specifically here, in this particular letter, LW seems to be struggling with the fact that his stepchildren’s bio mom would be so involved.  And (at least imo), he’s entitled to those feelings. 

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• charlotte989875 member

  

  July 2025

  I think this is a case where everyone needs to be 100% on board and it doesn’t sound like LW is. Maybe they need time, therapy, whatever to work out how they feel- but ultimately I think this is a 3 “yesses” situation and LW has a right to say no. 

  
  

  This feels like something that sounds great, and convenient on paper, but will require a lot more deep conversations about how it all will work. 

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