Just do what sounds fun

Casadena · July 24

Dear Prudence,

My 20s were a mess. I was broke, mentally ill, and abusing substances. I was miserable, suicidal, and barely surviving. I always wanted to travel, go to college, study abroad, and backpack through Europe, but I wasn’t able to.

Somehow, in my 30s, I managed to claw my way back into a normal existence and average career. Through a lot of hard work and some dumb luck, I’ve also managed to save up enough money to take a year off work. I want to travel the world. I want to have some of the experiences I missed out on in my 20s.

But I’m not in my 20s, I’m in my 40s now. It’s not going to be the same experience. I know some of it is purely outlook and attitude—nothing is stopping me from staying in a hostel with a bunch of students. Maybe they’d even think I’m cool. But I’m not going to have a torrid love affair with a handsome young tour guide. I’m not going to have the same experiences or opportunities I would have as an attractive young woman when I am middle-aged and overweight.

Do you have any advice on how to navigate this once-in-a-lifetime trip? I am not trying to be self-deprecating—just realistic. How do I make up for the experiences I never had in my 20s, while acknowledging the realities of my current age?

VarunaTT · July 24

What is it you want to experience? I would guess that your traveling goals in your 40s are different than those in your 20s and LW...that's okay. It's OKAY to want to experience new things in your older adulthood too and do it through that lens. Hell, I'd still stay in a hostel, but I'd have ear plugs for the evenings. You can still be open to new experiences, while acknowledging that staying out late bar hopping in Prague isn't quite what you're looking for.

Man, patriarchy has done a number on all of our brains.

charlotte989875 · July 24

Try and separate the guilt/ shame/ whatever you’re feeling about what happened back then from what you want to get out of this trip now. Think of it less as making up for your 20s and framing it as what you get to do in your 40s.

And who says you can’t have an affair with a tour guide? Eat, pray, love was all about fcking around the world in your 40s (I think, I only read the first half).

VarunaTT · July 24

charlotte989875 said:

Try and separate the guilt/ shame/ whatever you’re feeling about what happened back then from what you want to get out of this trip now. Think of it less as making up for your 20s and framing it as what you get to do in your 40s.

And who says you can’t have an affair with a tour guide? Eat, pray, love was all about fcking around the world in your 40s (I think, I only read the first half).

Heck, in Ted Lasso, Rebecca said, "More like eat, pray, fvck" about traveling the world. You can have plenty of casual sex in your 40s. I just got tired of it and peaced out of it all, b/c I was tired of peopling.

ETA: I just rewatched this episode and it was, eat, drink, fvck. Sorry, Rebecca.

MyNameIsNot · July 24

I have such a hard time with this mindset. You're 40, not 80. You can still backpack around, sleep in a hostel, go out dancing and boink a 25 year old tour guide.

I know our parents generation did this whole "40 is over the hill" thing, but 45 sure doesn't feel much different to me than 35. Go live your life instead of waiting to die.

levioosa · July 24

Arguably, I feel like Europe isn't as ageist as America in terms of thoughts and perceptions around sex, if that's what LW is getting at. Identify what exactly it is what you want, and then go ahead and travel.

Just do what sounds fun

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